They Think I'm A B**ch.

I'm not. It's because lately, I'm always angry.
When I'm angry, I'm mean and rude. This is basically the equation of what's in my head right now.
Loneliness + Milan + Jealousy +Chris + Anger + Dixon + Sadness = B**tchy Eva.

So yes. Right now, my head is NOT a very pleasant place to be, and honestly, I'm just a mess. I'm pretty sure my best friend, Katie, was scared for her life when I was daydreaming and was still holding onto the ruler. Apparently I looked muderous, enough for her to yell out, 'EVA! PUT THE RULER DOWN!' at me.

I suppose I'm moping. Which, probably isn't a great thing.

I'm thinking that I'm angry at Dixon. I talk about him, like every journal. Forgive me for that, but really, I don't like bringing it up to my friends coz they've all lost people, that are WAY more important than their boyfriends, but apart from guilt and regret, I'm so mad at him. I hate him. I hate him for leaving me here without him. Is that selfish? I know he didn't have a choice, but there's nothing fair about it! Why did he do this? I always feel like screaming.

WHY DID YOU FUCKING LEAVE ME? WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THIS?

I can't live without you, everyday feels like I'm living without my left hand. Oh my God. It's not fair. All because some dumbass nineteen year old decided it would be okay to DRIVE HOME PISSED OUT OF HIS BRAIN! He smashed into the side of Dixon's mums car, and Dixon knocked his head against the side part of the car and went into comatose. His mum, Melainie, was fine. The drunk driver was fine. He had some sort of failure about three months later and his heart stopped.
All they were doing was getting milk and chocolate, or something. Jordan was a bit hysterical when she told me. Is that a reason to be killed? Why is it fair that the one in the wrong walked away with only a few scratches and a smashed, replacable car? Dixon's life can't be replaced.

I don't know what to feel. I never know what to feel anymore. That Tuesday afternoon was the hardest thing I ever had to live through. And everyday? Just replays of anger and sadness and guilt and loss and all these things that are too big for my brain. I haven't got a mind big enough to hold it.

Fuck.

Evie Nic. ):