Can any of you relate to food issues?

So I needed a distraction badly and this is all I could think of and to be honest, I can't really talk to anyone around me about this anyway. So thankfully there's the people of Mibba to vent/talk/complain to.

So, I wanted to know if anyone else could relate to how I'm feeling right now. I am so full from dinner that I am literally anxious about it and I know if I think about it long enough it's going to send me into a panic attack. I went out for dinner with my mom and brother and I had a chicken wrap and some of my fries. That's all I've had today too and I'm still so full that I feel like I can't breathe.

This started about four months ago. I had a lot of people around me all obsessing about their weight despite being underweight or normal for their age and height. Being overweight myself, I became, if possible, even more self-conscious about myself. My friend, her friend, my brother, my mom, my moms friend and my friends little sister are all examples of people around me who are either a normal weight or underweight and complain loudly about how much they hate themselves and how fat they are and how disgusting their bodies are. So I figured, if these people think they're disgusting, I must make them want to vomit. So I began to restrict my food intake a bit.

I'd started out just skipping breakfast and having lunch and dinner. I quickly learned that it wasn't cutting it for me to eat something for lunch, something for dinner and probably some kind of snack at night. So I started not eating anything during the day until dinner time. At that time I'd started drinking a lot on the weekends and on the days I knew I was going to drink I made sure that if I was going to have dinner it would be very small so I would feel the alcohol more.

I'd gotten into the habit of eating nothing all day and then only having dinner. Sometimes I would have nothing all day and when it came to dinner, I would bring it downstairs so I could chew it and spit it into a cup. That way I could get rid of my food craving, but not eat anything. This started in May and by August I'd gone from weighing 205 lbs to 180 lbs. Every pound I dropped seemed like such an accomplishment, but I started feeling sick and a little out of control with it so I arranged to see my therapist even though I hadn't seen him in seven months.

He and I talked about it and he tried to give me ways to ease my anxiety about eating. I tried taking his advice and started having lunch and dinner again and to my surprise my weight hadn't increased. But besides the fact that I hadn't gone up in weight, I still felt disgusting after eating. No matter what I ate, when I ate or how much I ate. Just the fact that I put something into my stomach made me terribly disappointed, embarrassed, ashamed and defeated.

And so about two weeks ago I've started only eating dinner again. Every time I do this I think, one meal a day isn't too bad, it isn't that much but even if I only had a chicken wrap and half of the fries it came with, I still feel physically and emotionally like I just devoured a turkey dinner. All I keep thinking about is how amazing I would feel if this food wasn't in my stomach. If I could empty it out, I wouldn't have this headache, or this lethargy or this guilt and disgust. I'm trying to wait it out. Trying to make distractions and drinking water because sometimes it makes me feel better to drink water.

Can anyone relate to this at all? You don't have to have an eating disorder in order to relate. I wouldn't consider what I've just written about to be an eating disorder. I think it's more just anxiety about food and I feel it's different than an eating disorder. But if someone could relate, that would be pretty cool.