Thinking

Ever think about how, everybody spends so much time trying to be different, that they all end up the same? If you just sit down somewhere and start thinking about things that you've never thought about before, and asking questions that you never thought you'd want an answer to, and just thinking about the tiniest thing...like an ant...what does an ant feel? What is that little guy thinking when I put my shoe over him? Does he even notice? Do the other ants notice when their buddy doesn't come home? Makes you stop and think before destroying an ant hill, what if that was YOUR house?

you think you can come up with reasonable answers to the questions, and excuses that make some sense...but you really can't...you don't really know, and after awhile of doing this thinking about everything...you see the world from an entirely different perspective...and you realize that when things happen, your seeing it from so many sides that it nearly blows your mind. Like when you have a fight with a family member, you find yourself, instead of wallowing in your own anger and hurt, wondering what their thinking, what their feeling.

After awhile you get used to it, and things that never brought you joy all of a sudden make your heart pound in your chest, about to burst with some irreplaceable love and happiness, just from the simple sight of a tree outside your window, or a blade of grass, the rising and setting sun, a pool of water, the sky...and things that you never thought would bring you sorrow, all of a sudden make your eyes tear and your heart ache, and before you know it the tears are running down your face, and your crying. But why? It's just a movie, or it's just a commercial, but your crying.

You try to tell people about it, and you try to portray how serious you are, but words just seem like a waste, and when you say the sky is beautiful, you feel some kind of strangeness there, like you shouldn't have said that, because beautiful doesn't even begin to describe the sky, but you know in your heart that it's okay, because you know the sky is more then just beautiful, and you know that it's alright if not everyone looks up at it and sees the same wonder you do.

At first you want everyone to know what your thinking, and what your feeling, and then you realize that it's okay if they don't realize things that you do, if they don't see, or refuse to see the beauty that shines so vividly everywhere and in almost everything. When you go outside there's just this feeling, this feeling to run and scream in joy, but you hold it in, because your family is there, and it wouldn't make any sense at all.

After awhile you just have to write it all out, and say everything your feeling...maybe share what your feeling with the few who would take the time to think about what you say....When you go outside and you try to climb that tree behind your house, but you can't seem to get up it, you go inside and think aren't I supposed to be a part of nature? Aren't I supposed to live out there? And your heart just swells with this odd feeling of anger and sorrow and joy, and you don't know what to do with yourself.

And your writing this...and your getting so incredibly frustrated, because everything you want to say isn't coming out from your mind and onto the paper, and you get so extremely irritated because if everything came out of your mind and onto the paper, it'd be like hundreds of libraries full of books...and your not even sure that you know what all is in your mind...you know it's there, but it'll only come when you need it or want it, and it's not so effortless to get across anything with words...because you just can't do it...

that's whats so frustrating...it just won't happen. You realize that your just going to have to accept it, and let what's in your mind stay there instead of getting worked up over forming it all into words, because it just can't be done. And you take a deep breath and decide, okay it's time to stop writing all this, because whoever had the patience to read this far is probably about to die of boredom...so you just quit writing what can't be written.