My Battle against Losing Weight-How it all started (1)

Hahaha...how ironic would it be if i started my journal with tears streaming down my face? It sounds cliche right? Don't worry i didn't have a bad break up with a bf (it's not like i have one anyway). I just got back from a friends' birthday party. So the first question: Why are you crying? Answer: My friend's aunt said i needed to diet more( which i am already starting since 3 months ago). It's not that i'm sensitive or i'm overemotional but it hurts. It hurts to know that you put in so much effort but it's all for nothing.

For me, i have been known as the "chubby" kid all my life. As if that wasn't enough, i was always told whenever i go to the doctor ," Ellie, your weight is more than it should be for your age. You're bigger than your mum!" . Look at all my pictures. Even as a baby i've been fat. To make matters worse, every single time i go out with my family and we bump into someone we know, they'll say,"Oh my Ellie, you've grown so tall and you're bigger than your mum!"Gee...no heartahce there. Elementary School was the worst part of my memory. The boys in my class were not 'matured' yet mentally. They will call me stuff like pig or fat. Anyways, i get bullied a lot.

I'm the eldest of three kids. I have my mum, who is naturally skinny and petite. My dad who once was an athlete. My dad is an outgoing person and he likes to do outdoor sports so all the football and soccer he does makes him kinda dark. My mum is tanned but people here still call tanned as dark. The society in which i live in is(sorry to say) a little narrow minded and judgemental. They judge people by their size, looks and skin colour. If you're fair but your big-sized, consider yourself lucky, They look past your size and straight at your skin colour. So they wont say anything. Like my two younger sisters, Lulu and Fifi(they're not twins but their close enough). Relatives and people my parents know will always praise them. "Ohh they're so cute and petite." Yadi yada yada. They're not dark either. Lulu is sort of dark but still on the tanned side. Same goes to Fifi but for the society, it's either fair, tanned or nothing. For the society, it's considered okay to be dark for men because they play sports and such but for girls, they're considered ugly. Especially when you're big-sized.

As for me, I am big-sized and dark skinned. I got called a lot of names like, Baba-lisha or Chocolate Cake or sometimes they'll call me Blackie(these are some of the names that my elementary classmates call me). Of course the adults won't say anything in front of you or your parents but later you'll hear them talking with each other. I still remember the day when i got kicked out of a group because i wasn't cool enough to hang with them(again, elementary). I knew exactly why.

P.E. has always been the worse subject of the day. I was naive and i loved P.E. in elementary. But when i started to sweat, they begin their mean nicknames. I'm not afraid of admitting i have a phobia of sweating, afraid they will judge me. Sometimes i wished i cant go to school. I just wanted to rot away and die. The rational side of me though,faced it.

Eventually the bullying stopped but it left a deep scar in me that i will never forget. I HATED being bullied so that's why i dont like it when i see bullies try to pick a fight with someone. I HATE being called fat. I HATE being judged by the adults. Hearing my grandma and my aunts talk about how pretty my sisters are, how petite my sisters are, it drives me nuts! I'm not an invisible wall. I can hear you! That's what i feel like yelling to them.It makes me feel like i'll always be the fat girl. So, i ate more because it felt like i could shut them out. I felt its okay for me to stay chubby. It's my protection against them. I'll be a wall.