I remember...I've always been a self-destructive kid.. For 6 years..since 3rd grade..

I remember in 3rd grade..I started biting my arms til they bled and left scars.. In 4th grade I bit myself in school...somebody saw and told my teacher. She brought me out to the hall...And asked me to show her my arm..I said no.. She wouldn't let me go back until I showed her..so I showed her my other arm..the one I didn't bite... But she knew it wasn't the one..so she made me show her the other one.. I started crying.. But I showed her.. I showed her the scars from my teeth.. She asked me why..I told her I didn't know... She told me I can't do it again.. But she never told anyone..if she had..maybe I wouldn't be where I am now..

In 5th grade, I started scratching myself with my nails.. I never got caught with that though...
Then in 6th grade, I started drinking. Never enough to get drunk..but enough to feel the pain..feel the burn..and be a little out of it.. Then it got worse.. I was crying one night.. I remeber just wanting it to be over..wanting the pain to end..wanting to die.. So I took an overdose of pills..and waited for the end.. I just ending up throwing them all out before they could do anything though..

In seventh grade or maybe late 6th grade..I started scratching myself again..it went from with my hands to with scissors.. Then the scratches on my leg started getting deeper and deeper...until they bled and oozed for days..It hurt to wear jeans..So I started wearing loose shorts all the time..even in cold weather.. In 8th grade it started getting worse and worse.. Deeper and deeper.. I tried to stop..but I would last for a while and then break down... Eventually I just gave up trying to quit and started again..

Then I made a promise to my best friend at the time that I wouldn't do it..she had found out... But then she did something awful to me. She played a prank on me. SHe had her cousin call me to tell me that she was dying..she got hit by a car and was having seizures..I found out she lied and I was so upset I cut... I felt the relief and my mind went blank..

I realized what I had done but I didn't tell anyone...I couldn't... So I tried to stop again..But even when I did stop..I would do these things to make it look like an accident. Like "falling on the pavement to get bloody knees" But really I just rubbed my knees against the ground til they bled..but everyone believed it was an accident...

Then I made another promise to my best friend..a different one who is still my best friend.. I kept it for over a month..but then I messed up..and that last time was my last time..August 29th.. It's hard and there are times when I hold the blade to my skin..but I can't..I promised her..so I throw it away across the room and just sob on my floor..

Now I play piano...piano is my destructive thing now..I play for hours and hours and hours.. All day long.. Until my neck and back feel like they're about to snap..Until my arms and fingers feel like they're going to fall off...And then I keep playing.. I've actually gotten really good..I've been playing for a year and I teach myself..and people who have been playing for over 8 years are jealous of me.. It's not as bad as the cutting..but it's still self destructive.. It's still painful...But at least I actually like playing piano.. Even if I torture myself for perfection..

Quitting this was the hardest thing I've ever done..I've been hurting myself since 3rd grade... that's 6 years..it's addicting.. Anyone that does cut...or anything else. You have to stop...stop now before it's too late..before it's too hard to quit...before you end up like me.. And anyone who wants to start...don't. Please. Be better then me.. It's too hard to stop once you start.. You start turning into a zombie..you isolate yourself from the world like me.. Please. If you want to stop..or feel like you want to start. Talk to me. I'll listen, I'll try to help you stop. Or prevent it. I don't want to see anyone end up like me. I'm willing to help people so they can be happy. So they can have a childhood better then mine... so they don't end up like me. You can PM me..or I'll give you the link to my facebook if you want to talk..just please. Don't do what I did. Feel like you can't tell anyone.. It makes everything worse.

I'm writing this becuase I need to get it off my chest..and because I want to help other people. So they don't feel alone..becuase they aren't alone.