ah?!

My head is a complete mess at the moment, and I'm at lost on what to do, since my friends can't help cause they pick sides on things and judge things on what they like most, not on what is best for me.

So that leads to what the hell is wrong that my head is insane and keeping me awake...Well *sigh* it happens to be a boy problem. Shouldn't be a big deal I guess I should be old enough to deal with things like this, figure things out on my own but of course I have trouble with that :)

So basically when I was young about 14, I met my first love Joshua, he is an adorable blue eyed boy. Which sadly i do prefer blue eyes but in the end personality is the most important. More about him? Well he makes me smile, laugh, is slightly to immature sometimes, literally has ADHD, easy to talk to but I've known and loved him for so long so of course it is.

Well we dated for two years in high school then he had to move to San Diego which is on the other side of the country from where I live, but we would keep in touch sort of. Once in awhile go months with out speaking then he'd call me and go on and on about how much he loves me. He would come visit once and I went there for a week my senior year but had a boyfriend at the time too.

When we were young we would do all the cute stuff, like say we are going to get married and that I was going to move to Cali after high school, which never happened but that's cause of my current boyfriend.

See Josh has been so far away for so long and I always thought he wouldn't move back or I wouldn't move there so I met an amazing boy named Jimmie. It's coming up on us being together for two years now.

He basically is a complete opposite of Josh. Hard to talk to sometimes cause he has trouble opening up but over the past two years it gets easier as we go. At first I didn't think he was going to love me as much as Josh would ever love me but sometimes it seems like he does even if he has trouble showing it.

Jimmie is a little more mature and knows what he wants to try to do in his life, where as Josh is lost and didn't even graduate high school. Jimmie has been wanting me and him to move somewhere to go to school and has been looking for places and saving money and being all cute future like.

But then FUTURE! That is scary. What the hell is my future suppose to be or what do I want it to be? I shouldn't have to know at this age.

And now my first love has moved back is being all adorable but he is also my best friend but he scares me he has left me a few times before heart broken and confused and now I don't think I can trust him.

And then Jimmie who I love and tried so hard to get, which I went through alot with him and he has been around threw hard times but it's so hard to talk to him sometimes but I still just want him to be all mine.

Which that could be attachment issues which I have and this fear of being alone haha.

I think I just really needed to rant about it. I know I'm to young probably for this stuff, but I'm a sucker for love and young love stuff and I know there is so many guys out there but I truly don't care when I do have two amazing boys in front of me both wanting me in their future.

If you actually read all that props to putting up with me ^.^