I really hate liking someone who doesn't like me back. Even more so, and this is the first time I've been given this situation, I really hate NOT liking someone who is so much better for me even if I know they're better for me.
I've been trying out this thing where I'm attempting to trust people, or rather, a few people. One in particular is someone I've known forever, and didn't start talking to until maybe half a year ago. Somehow in that time we've gotten relatively close, and just for the sake of this journal I'll tell you he's in my math class this semester.
Anyways, our topic of discussion recently is my sanity and my belief that I'm not fully sane. He insists I'm just fine, and I want to believe him, but there's still things I haven't told him that may change his mind. I gave him a story during math class this past week because he knows I spend pretty much the entire period writing, but he never asks to read anything. I think it's out of being polite, since when I ask him if he wants to read something there's no hesitation when he says "yes."
He read my story Monster, which is kind of my baby as far as my stories go lately, and something I happened to have printed off and with me at the time. The following conversation is the notes passed back and forth after he finished reading it:
Him: Awesome.
Me: But there is still no way you can say that it's not a little disturbing, and that's the point I was trying to make.
Him: Maybe, but that's what makes it so good. It's a disturbing world and it holds people's attention. Your writing always increases the heart rate and most importantly it makes you THINK.
Me: Thanks, but I think too much...
Him: Believe me, I've fallen to the demise of thinking too much, but somehow it's been a while now. I just separated myself from the issue and did stuff to sooth myself. If writing is what soothes you, then you had best keep at it 'cause you've got something special.
Me: That pretty much made my day.
Him: Well, I just provide the truth. I'm glad it helped. :D
It's not fair. The ones that are completely sweet are the ones I don't like in that way. The ones I probably have a chance with are the ones I don't like. Needless to say, I wanted to hug that boy when I read this, and I can't stand hugs. Still haven't given him a hug, although I believe if I just came up to him now, a few days later, he'd be confused.
It doesn't help that I feel like I'm constantly getting on his nerves, yet he never says anything. I ask him for a ride home occasionally, and every time I feel like I'm being incredibly irritating, but still he never hints at this. I think it's because he's very unlike a lot of my friends, and I can't read him as well. Either way, he made me incredibly happy, but in my want to trust people, I can't find it in me to tell him how easily he cheers me up.
It's the wrong person.
October 6th, 2010 at 05:00am