Can't believe I have these conversations with my therapist..

I've been seeing my therapist for almost two years now. I love him, he's awesome. I went there practically crippled by panic attacks and today I don't have them anymore. All because of him. Of course that isn't the only reason I go see him, and one of the things we talk about it just plain awkward for me. But I suppose it has to be done.

I have generalized anxiety disorder and I have anxiety based around a couple different, weird things. The phone terrifies me, watching people eat or eating in front of people and the actual act of eating makes me anxious. Crossing busy streets alone makes me anxious. Not being clothed by baggy pants and a big hoodie makes me extremely uncomfortable and talking about, seeing, hearing and having sex makes me very anxious.

And we talked about sex today and it was horrible.

He has me close my eyes and starts out doing muscle relaxation. I have to tense my body parts one at a time and then loosen them to relax my body. Then he does image relaxation where I have to breathe deep, keep my muscles loose and I have to picture an image that relaxes me. Then he has me picture something anxiety provoking so that when I get anxious I can rate it out of ten and he can talk me down from it.

So today, while my eyes were closed, he told me to picture having sex with my boyfriend. Now, I'm assuming a normal person would be able to do this, or does this without having to be asked, without feeling anything but.. well.. a good feeling. When I picture it I feel sick. It's very complicated and odd but I don't really enjoy sex. Even with my boyfriend. I don't enjoy anything to do with it and I feel like I never will. Anyway, he asks me, "Can you picture him touching you?" and I'm thinking, "Is he serious?" but I nod my head yes anyway. Then he asks if I can picture his body and his penis and it was all overwhelmingly uncomfortable.

He said, "I hope I'm not offending you. But I can't really sugar-coat things and I have to try to make it at least a little bit uncomfortable so I can raise your anxiety." My future goal is to be a therapist myself (ironic, I know) and so I understand that completely. He has to make it uncomfortable because that's what I've been doing is avoiding things that makes me feel that way.

It was still awkward. We still have a lot to talk about. It's ridiculous how incredibly hard it is for me to talk about sex.

It has nothing to do with the fact that I have some kind of ridiculous crush on this guy who probably goes home after work and doesn't think twice about me. Because I'm just a patient and nothing else. But let me say; I know I'm not the first female patient of his to have a crush on him. He's young and extremely good-looking and has been talking to me for the passed two years about life. Kinda hard not to get attached. Or maybe I'm nuts.