daddedumm

I don't know what I'm feeling. I feel so sick all the time. I just want everything to go back to the way it was. But I still don't. I don't want to go live the way I did, but I want to continue living the way I did, if that makes sense. But I don't even want to live the live I did. I just want to go to collage and live by my self and party all the time. BUT I STILL WANT MY OLD LIFE!! How does that make sense??? Everything feels so messed up in my head. I feel disgusted with everything right now. I don't know why, but dad's news today shocked me so much. It was to be expected, of course, but somehow, I didn't. I mean, I didn't even know him that well. I mean, he was my great grandpa, but still, that part of the family has never liked me. Especially when I went to the foster home. But of course that's just fear of the unknown. Like how they don't understand depression, or alcoholism. My aunt would rather have people think she's crazy than an alcoholic. WHY??? What's so horrible about being an alcoholic? I mean, of course it's horrible to be addicted to something, but once you start fighting your addiction, then I think you're stronger than a person with no addictions... BLAH? what am I saying??? I don't even know my own thoughts. I mean, I don't fight my addictions. Well, I'm not exactly an addict, but I do like drugs and alcohol and cigarettes. I would really like to have things go my way, so I could party all the time, and smoke and do drugs. Not the hardcore ones, like heroin or cocaine, but mushrooms and weed and maybe some speed. and FUCK, would I like to go to a blast on party!! shit! But I have to go now. Bye.