frustrated

I have been seriously frustrated out of my mind lately. For those of you who don't really know me (pretty much anyone reading this) I'm pretty much a straight A student. I'm the "good girl" of the family, I'm the one who is going to go to college, and someday I'm going to be the one who makes something of herself. It's always been that way. I'm the responsible one.

But what if I don't want to go to college? Don't get me wrong, I'm not dumb. Of course, I know that in order to have any kind of future at all, I have to go to college. But that's just it. What if I don't want to have a future? I know that sounds stupid, but I'm actually considering becoming some kind of drug addict/hobo just because...because why? To spite my parents? Quite honestly, I don't know. It's just the way I feel. I don't want to be the "good girl"; I don't want to make something of myself; I don't want to be the responsible one. I just want to be me. I want to act out and be rebellious; I want to be a loser for the rest of my life; I want to do whatever the hell I feel like doing whenever the hell I want to do it!!

I wish I didn't care about school or upsetting my parents. I wish I had the guts to act out and rebel. I wish I didn't care about my future. But I do care. I just can't help it, I guess. I don't want to care, but I do. Why? Why do I feel like I have to be this person, the person my parents want me to be? Why can't I just say "Screw you guys!!"?