Dear Journal...

Thank you for listening, because sometimes it seems like no one else does.

*sigh* I feel like I'm bothering everyone by writing this, so I feel really bad. But ya know... I kinda need to vent a little.

You know... it's one of those days. One of them where you wake up and just instantly think: 'Oh yeah, it's going to be one of those days. Maybe I should go back to sleep.' And I probably should've too. But of course, I just sucked it up and dealt with it.

To start with, I completely forgot about my homework in science. Just... completely slipped my mind. Then I go to English, where the entire class just gets yelled at. And then I forget my math binder in there. Yeah, it was annoying, and kind of sucked. But I could've lived with that.

Then comes my French class.

I sit down, and there are two 9th graders in there, who are in the same grade as my sister (They failed French last year, and have to re-take just this class.) The 9th grader that sits down next to me turns to me and says "I'm sorry about your cousin." What? And the following conversation happens.

Me: What?

Kid: Yeah, your sister told me this morning. She said your cousin died last night.

Me: What?!

Teacher: Quiet.

So... this goes on until the end of class, where I get to spend the whole time wondering what the hell was going on. Then there's the end of class, where I get to talk to the other 9th grader in the class. So this is person #2.

Person #2: Sorry about your cousin.

Me: Okay, seriously, what's the deal?

Person 2: Your sister... she came in this morning and told the class that she didn't do her homework and she was really upset because she said that her cousin died last night, and he would've turned 23 last week. She said he was diving and had a seizure and crashed the car.

Me:.......................................................... My cousin's alive. And well.

Person 2: Oh... okay then....? Well, she told the teacher that too.

Which just made me realize how wonderful today was going to be.

But the thing is... my sister did it all because she has Asperger's Syndrome. I'm just gonna copy a quick thing from Wikipedia, just so you can have an idea what it is.

Asperger syndrome or Asperger's syndrome (English pronunciation: /æsp?r??rz/) is an autism spectrum disorder that is characterized by significant difficulties in social interaction, along with restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior and interests. It differs from other autism spectrum disorders by its relative preservation of linguistic and cognitive development. Although not required for diagnosis, physical clumsiness and atypical use of language are frequently reported.[1][2]

Asperger syndrome is named after the Austrian pediatrician Hans Asperger who, in 1944, described children in his practice who lacked nonverbal communication skills, demonstrated limited empathy with their peers, and were physically clumsy.[3] Fifty years later, it was standardized as a diagnosis, but many questions remain about aspects of the disorder.[4] For example, there is doubt about whether it is distinct from high-functioning autism (HFA);[5] partly because of this, its prevalence is not firmly established.[1]

Yep. That's what it is. My sister is a year older than me. But socially, she's much younger.

Not that I don't care about my sister. I do. But I can't deal with this any more. I feel like... well, not that it matters. But it feels like I have to deal with too much. And it's... hard... really. It's just.. every day, I have to deal with things like this. And deal with my friends. And my family. And do all my school work. And then do the things I actually like. Like dance and tae kwon do. Those are the only things I do outside of school.

I just... I don't know... I'm probably overreacting. But I am upset. And it's getting harder and harder to deal with this. My mom offered it to me again today, but today... well, I didn't say no automatically. She asked if I wanted to go to counseling. I don't. Maybe I need to.

I'm still just a kid. I'm barely a teenager. I have a whole lot to learn. Things I don't understand. I come nowhere close to being a good person. But I try... I swear I do. No matter how hard I try though, I can't seem to make everyone happy.

I don't want to hurt anyone. I want to be a good person. I'm not perfect. I have my moment where I snap at people, where I yell at them. But for the most part I keep it to myself. My parents say they understand. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. At any rate, I did the best I could to explain my feelings toward the whole situation. My thoughts at the moment pretty much look like this.

I've been given more than I can handle.

I'm not sure how to handle things any more. At least not without hurting someone else in the process.

I want to believe that I'm doing the right thing, but I also know that I'm 13. Therefore my judgment will almost always be off about everything I do.

I'm not as mature as I'd like to believe I am.

Anyway... there's a whole bunch of other thigns that went wrong about today, but this journal is getting too long, So I'll stop here. I seem to have calmed down a bit since I started. Yeah...

~Winter