Ready, waiting, craving.

I don't post journals very often. I used to all the time on other sites, but that's when I had something interesting to say, and to be honest, my life just hasn't been all that exciting, which is exactly why I'm writing this in the first place. I don't even care if anyone reads it, or not. It's just to get some things off my chest, just a bit of catharsis.

I've been so off since school started. It just seems like nothing is fitting together anymore. Nothing feels right, and there's just this empty feeling in everything I do. For a while, I wanted to blame it on a guy, but I realized just today that it's not his fault at all. In fact, he has almost nothing to do with it. I've brought all of this upon myself in one way or another.

I've been distancing myself from everything and everyone, my family, my online friends, even my best friend, and I couldn't even tell, but it's come to my realization, and I know exactly why I'm doing it.

I am more lonely this year than I've been since the fourth grade, and part of it is my fault, and part of it is just purely circumstantial. All of my good friends are getting other friends. They're not replacing me, exactly, but they're branching out, just being the social butterflies that they are and building on the life that they already have while I'm just stuck in a rut, and I can't get out of it. I'm not an outgoing person. I'm an awkward, bitter, somewhat cold seventeen year old girl. I don't know what made me that way, maybe it was myself, but whatever the case, it's just who I've become, and when put in situations that require me to meet new people, my brain just kind of shuts down, and all I can do is make nerdy jokes and references that only I laugh at.

I don't have a terribly low self- esteem, or anything. I don't think I'm the most disgusting creature on the planet, but I mean, like any other girl on the planet, I'm constantly criticizing myself and comparing myself to others, usually my best friend who's prettier, more outgoing, and really just an all around vibrant person, and I can't compete with that. I don't even want to compete with that, to be honest, but I feel like I always am because when I'm around her, all attention is focused on her. She has this certain air to her, this vibe that just makes people listen to her and give her their undivided attention, and she deserves it. She's a wonderful person, but it just makes me feel like I'm always being left in the dust.

I'm not blaming any of this on her, though. No, not at all. I love her to death, and I would be nowhere without her. I would be nothing without her. She is the most wonderful human being I've ever met, and I'm so lucky to have her in my life. I'm just using her as an example because it's the most obvious. I really can't hold her being amazing against her. Sometimes I wish I could, but I can't.

Anyway, I just lack social skills around most people, or at least I do compared to others. My friends aren't the only thing that irks me, though.

I want excitement. I want thrill. I want to have fun and be a teenager. I want romance and passion and love, something I've never truly experienced before, but something I'm ready for. I'm ready for the uncomfortable feelings in my stomach, the long awaited for hugs, the giggles, the kisses. I'm ready to hold hands and watch movies together. I'm ready to take it to the bedroom. I'm ready to introduce someone to Mom, Dad, and Collin. I'm even ready for the heartbreak.

I just don't have anyone to set all of this in motion, and I want it so bad it hurts.

I guess you could say that I have a "thing" for one guy, but nothing should, could, or would ever happen for various reasons, some of them being legal terms, but for a while, I was so hung up on this guy. It was a crush. The 'L' word never even crossed my mind. I'm not stupid. But, I finally decided that he's really not worth my time and energy. I don't want to wake up anymore and recall having dreams of him. I don't want to put forth the extra effort in the morning to see if I can get even a compliment from him. I don't want to walk into his room anymore and expect to get any form of attention that isn't what's strictly permitted. And honestly, I just don't care.

In short, I'm giving up. I'm not going to let him talking to other girls phase me because he does a lot, and I'm tired of getting that sick feeling in my stomach. I just want it to all go away, so I've managed to pound it into my brain that he's really just not worth it. Truthfully, though, it's mainly because I can't take it. I'll just explode sooner or later.

But, at least having a crush gave me some sort of excitement. It got me through the days, made school a lot easier, and now I've got nothing, less than what I started with, which isn't good since I want exactly the opposite.

I'm about ready to lose control. I want to have someone who will be there for me in more ways than just a friend. I want someone who will make everything better. I want to experience everything that I've been missing out on, everything I've been holding back from.

I want, I want, I want, and I feel like I'm asking for too much.

I guess more than anything, though, I just want to be a little kid again. I had no idea how hard growing up would be.