29th October 2010

I realised something that in all truth, I knew deep down long ago.
I am MESSED UP.

I can't read books or watch tv or watch films or listen to music.
Why? Because they make me feel empty, worthless, useless, hopeless, scared and guilty.
Well, more so than I usually feel. The same feelings, just amplified and concentrated.

And I can't control my overactive imagination. I don't take on the character in the books or films or tv, but some of my own characters come into play and change events and help out. These characters that are so deeply etched into my soul that I almost feel as if they are versions of myself. Superior, beautiful versions of what I would love to be like.
They have flaws.

Trixie is promiscuous and shallow and a little bit evil. Playing with both guys and girls like toys. Hunting out her next "prey". Hunting out the sexy bad guys.
Darkness doesn't smile much and she doesn't trust others very well. She looks evil, although isnt really and her emotions are hard to read.
Beri is easily angered and can't control that temper well. She's selfish and doesn't care at all about those she doesn't know.
Bekki is depressed and looks much younger than her age. She's quiet and hard to get on with
.
But it is these flaws that make it even harder to deal with. Because it makes it seem almost as if they could be real. And if they are what could be real, then I am just worthless because I dont compare at all to them.

It's painful to realise that the things you once loved, you cannot do anymore.

It's painful to think that you've been that way for 5 years, which means the whole of your teenage years.

It's painful to think that this is something you may well be living with for the rest of the future.

It's just painful.

And that's today. Tah dah. Welcome to my mixed up world. Feel free to stay as long as you please.