11-10-10

I'm a volcano. But instead of lava, I erupt screams, anger and hurt. I'm constantly under pressure. If you talk to me, I'll erupt. It's not my fault. I can't control it. Why can't people understand that? Why can't they just leave me alone, and stop trying to fix me. I can't even fix me. And if anyone can, it's going to be me.

Everything is too much to take. Getting out of bed is hard. Everyday I face the same challanges. And they're just as hard the hundreth time around. The more I try to fix things, the harder they get. I'm stuck. I can't move without wishing I hadn't.
Here's a great example. There are two doors; which do you choose? Well, it's all random chance. So you pick the one to the left. And it's the wrong door. It was the one on the right afterall. For me, every choice I make; everything I do is the wrong door. It's never the right one. Maybe not phsyical desicions. But even mental ones, like which color shirt should I wear today? They all end up being the door to the left.

Everything is dissapointing. Whether it's Bryan calling me to cancel a plan we had, or making the decision to go to the mall and go shopping. Nothing I do brings me any joy anymore. I can't enjoy anything! I love Bryan, but even the time we spend together is ruined by my anxiety and fear. The thought, "Damn, he only has an hour left.. fuck" is ALWAYS playing through my head as we're watching movies. I'm constantly checking the clock. And each time I do, my heart aches as I notice another hour has gone by.

The need for aproval is overwhelming. I try to be everyones idea of perfect; including mine. And they clash. They argue with eachother. It's almost like I'm going schystophrenic or something. But I know it's only out of fear of not meeting the expectations I imagine everyone to have. And they don't even have them! I just imagine them to, and imagine their thoughts; them judging me for being different. For being bi polar. For every thing I do.
And there's a part of me that doesn't care what people think, but as soon as I feel everyone's cold shoulders, I start to wonder if I was too hardcore; if I gave them a cold shoulder, in order to prevent them rejecting me.

I feel so lost. Lost in my mind. In my chaotic thoughts. In the prison that's my mind. And the only time things make sense, are when I'm with Bryan (even then I'm still sort of lost; it just doesn't matter as much when I'm with him), or when I imagine life in 2 years; away from here. On my own. With Bryan. Alone. Together.

Everything gets under my skin. Everything pisses me off. Even the pitch of the computer humming irrates the shit out of me. I feel like a bomb. As Rage Against the Machine would say, I'm 'calm like a bomb'. I'm calm, quiet and reserved; until someone talks to me. Until the interupt my train of thought. Then I explode; I snap at them. But I want to yell cuss words at them. I want to beat the living shit out of them. And some would say it's anger management issues. However, I'm managing them. So it isn't the managment part that's the issue. It's the anger part that's the problem. No matter what meds I'm on. No matter what coping mechanisms I use. I'm still just as bitter. Just as angry. Just as 'calm like a bomb'.

Then, there's the sadness. The constant low. I can't seem to escape it. It surrounds me like a dark cloud, rumbling with thunder in the background. And when someone interupts me, a lightening bolt shoots out and strikes them down. And it's not my fault. It's the cloud that's hovering over me. The cloud that's surrounding me. I feel like there's a monster reaching it's fingers into my mind, and twisting everything around. Swurling it together into chaos. I can't decifer what's what anymore. I can't tell if I'm happy that I have a new pair of shoes, or sad.
The only highs I have, are breif. But they're extreme. And they make me feel crazy. I laugh manically sometimes, and Mr. Embarrassing comes out a lot. Mr. Embarrasing is a term me and my mom have for the person I 'turn into' when I'm being goofy. I feel like I belong in a mental hospital.