Confused... I don't know... (Haven't posted in a while and I give you all my confused babbles)

I’m not sure what it is, maybe my thoughts are just currently driving me insane, but a friend of mine was telling me how a group of people that we hanged with earlier are not content with themselves or their lives, I really didn’t completely understand where he was going with it. The deal is that he mentioned it and then he said that I and him are content and that’s why we don’t really care to go in a park hang all day long there and get ourselves drunk after midnight. I wasn’t sure completely what he was getting at or why he even started at that.

Frankly I just know that I don’t feel content with the way I am or something, I don’t know, I feel incomplete. I tried to stop thinking about it all, but everything kept crawling through my ever building walls. Like it would find any crack and wiggle itself through. I know I feel, something, I just don’t know what it is. I know I’m happy. At least I think I am. I know for sure though that I’m happy around specific people, my dad for example and quite a few of my friends. I have people that make me laugh no matter what. I guess I’m content with parts, but there are so many holes and cracks.

I’m completely fake in a way, I lie about how I feel, I smile to everyone, but deep down inside I’m really screaming at the top of my lungs. You could almost very well state that I’m living lie or I’m pretending to be something else, someone else and yet at the same time, that’s who I really am.

I’m a bitch, but I’m way too friendly. To clarify the bitch part, by that I mean, I just speak my mind without thinking twice and on usual basis, it’s not something good. I’m rude. I have anger issues, I usually always am holding in a bitter feeling and I usually always want to just break down and cry, but I hate seeming so vulnerable in front of people. I’m not even so sure if I’ll post this or not, even though in the bus ride I was thinking about writing this all down and posting on Mibba. A way to get it all out, tell someone that really don’t know me. I can’t really walk up to my friends and just talk about these things and I don’t know why exactly. I guess I just keeping building up walls, afraid that they will all leave me at some point, like almost everyone did.

The only one still there is my best friend, he’s as loyal as a dog and he’s the only person I’ve ever started on intimate topic with, although I still can’t let him dig deeper. I just shut up halfway.

I’m way too giving, I’ll spend my money on everyone if they wanted and not expect anything of it, although sometimes I do wonder when at least one would turn around and tell me ‘Thanks,” just that one word, all I want sometimes, is that.

I’m quite bi-polar. I’m usually lost in my own world and practically nobody really gets me besides my best friend. I’m annoyingly loud at times and I have a major fear of clowns and of failing. I wear a damn tie to school. I wear colorful socks and I never care if my school uniform looks like I just found it thrown on the street and decided to wear it. I know a lot of myself and I’m content who I am, but there is just something, something that I really want and I can’t seem to get it, so I feel like something is missing. Like there’s an empty spot and I don’t know how to fill it.

I’m negative to the core when it comes to my own wellbeing or future or anything, but positive to the point of utter annoyance when it comes to everyone else’s future and wellbeing. I have a sexual nature that should not accompany a virgin and a perverted mind that would most likely let everyone think that I’m more experienced than a prostitute. I’m smart, yet I feel like I can never do anything right and that I’ll always fail, always. The only thing I feel that I’m all right in is the English subject, which is easy as fuck, but over here, most local kids suck ass in it.

I care about everyone. I hate it when my friends walk up to me in tears, hate it when they’re sad, always try to calm them down and I absolutely hate seeing scars on their wrist, which makes me a hypocrite, because I walk around with healed scars on my wrist, although I haven’t touched a razor in months.

I’m jealous to the core.

I’m hateful.

I’m a pervert.

I live in a fantasy world.

I’m scared.

I feel lonely.

I’m friendly.

I’m weird.

I’m negative.

I can’t breathe at times.

I wanna cry.

I want to scream.

I want to smoke.

I’m worried.

I’m different.

I’m addicted.

I’m a music junkie.

I’m not a believer of many things.

I’m a believer.

I’m contradictive and I’m a hypocrite.

But, even though I’m confused as hell, I can’t seem to shake out the mere fact that even so, even with all my problems, all my different emotions, all my attitude, I can’t shake off that I want to make it somewhere. I want to prove everyone wrong. I want to fill that empty spot. I want to swallow down that scream that lingers in my throat and smile and laugh and say that I’m done. That I’m really happy, just for one day, I’m really happy and it isn’t a lie.

I want to be me…

I want to look up and scream out that I’m finally me and I love it.

Aproveite O’ Dia