Yesterday my girlfriend (now ex...) and I broke up. I'm heartbroken. This is what happened today.
All day I was fighting back tears. All f*cking day. This morning I was in a good mood, but it wasn't real 'cause I could still feel the heartbreak. I didn't want to see her being fine & dandy. I didn't. But she was. She was perfectly fine.
Then my demeanor started to fade & I was almost in tears. I blinked them away, though. But they were so close to falling. So damn close.
Sixth period, I started thinking about lunch. I was terrified of seeing her. Absolutely f*cking terrified. I ended up going with Joslin & waiting for my friends to show up. But between those times, I saw her. I didn't think she'd sit with us because she was standing in line & talking to people. But I saw her. & it made me remember all the things I'm going to miss & it made me sad again & I was close to crying, again.
My group of friends and I sat down. I was so close to crying. They were literally about to fall right when I saw her walking towards us. I sort of freaked out & looked at Dayshia like "oh my f*cking gosh, why?!" and she figured it out. But then she stopped at the table in front of ours and talked to people, so I figured she was going to sit down with them & then we could move. But no, she turned around.
She sat down next to Dayshia, all the while, everyone at the table was staring at me like "oh my gosh." because they all know. I couldn't look at her. I just couldn't. She tried talking to me. But I couldn't look at her. I was still so, so close to tears. & I refused to let her see them fall. She gets so damn guilty when she hears me cry on the phone. What if she actually saw me crying? What would she do then?
Then she got up. & I sort of hoped she was going to leave. But I figured she wasn't. & I sort of expected to feel her arms around my neck. But luckily they didn't, because that would have both set off my tears & anger. Then she sat down next to me, forcing me to scoot over because I didn't want to touch her. Even smelling her was bad enough, though. When she first sat down, I could smell her perfume. Every time I smell it I picture her arms wrapped around me and my head against her chest. Every time. I can't help it, it just happens. But that definitely didn't help me any...
Anyways, she tried to get me to talk to her. & I did for a while, but it hurt so I gave up & looked to the other side so I couldn't see her face whatsoever. Dayshia was trying to warn her that I didn't want to talk to her. But she didn't get it and she kept trying. Even though I was telling her the entire time to talk to me friday, but she forgot what I had said last night. I couldn't talk to her today, try friday. Not today. Not when I am so f*cking heartbroken & it still hurts so d*mn badly.
Then she started touching me. I was freaking out & I so badly wanted to scream "stop touching me!" at her because it already hurts & touching me is just pouring salt on the pound. This is general, was pouring salt on the wound.
Then near the end of lunch she started telling me she loves me. & I got butterflies like I always do when she says that. Except they all got shot afterwards. Morbid, right? But that's what it felt like. Butterflies flying around & then BANG shot by a BB gun. I told her once more 'friday. Talk to me friday. I can't do this now. I can't talk to you right now.' & then she left. I watched her walk out the door. She was walking so fast & she looked upset. But you know what? I sort of hope she was upset. I know it's sort of a terrible thing to say, but it's true.
After lunch Raven & Dayshia were obviously concerned. They know we broke up & they know I'm taking it pretty hard & the fact that I had tears in my eyes the entire lunch period would've given something away anyways. We talked about what happened. My voice cracked a lot. & then I had to go to the four hundred building. & I was actually looking for her. I don't know why, but I was. & then I saw Jada & Dani & I went up to them I gave Jada a hug 'cause I really needed a damn hug. & they asked me if I was okay & I told them no, I was not okay. & my voice cracked & my eyes welled up & my vision was blurry, but once again, the tears didn't fall. I actually wanted them to at that point. But they didn't.
& now, several hours later, I'm sitting here wondering how she was reacting in her head. What her thoughts were. If she was conscious of how big of a lie "I love you" sounded like coming out of her mouth. & I'm finding myself wanting to talk to her. & wishing she'd call me even though I shouldn't be wishing these things because I can't have her back. She isn't mine anymore & it hurts so d*mn badly because I so badly wish it weren't true. But fine, okay. You don't want to be with me, I'm not going to force you to be. I get it. We aren't right for each other. But being with you was the happiest I've been in a long time, just so you know.
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?
November 16th, 2010 at 10:48pm