Nobody to be there.

I miss my baby brother, a lot. It’s going to be almost a year in a couple months. It has shattered my heart into a million pieces, and no one is there to make it whole again…
It is Sunday, February 14th 2010, and I’m trying to get Sam to sleep. He’s lying in my arms crying out for reasons I do not know. He looks lost. The cataracts have spread completely across his eye balls making it almost impossible for him to see, possibly the reason he is crying. He won’t stop, I feel useless and in the way, when all I want to do is aid my baby brother, the one I would talk to about everything, the one I could count on at the end of the day, back to health, because I was in denial that anything could take him away from me.
He has been sick for a couple days, not being able to have the strength the stand on his own legs, wetting the bed, coughing up a storm, vomiting, but that happens to everyone every once and a while, so I just worry for him to get better, and went along with life, as I told myself “He’ll get better, it’s just a cold.” But deep inside I knew something was wrong.
I speak to him constantly to keep him present and to know that I’m still there, never leaving his side. It is almost two a.m. in the morning so I take him to his own bed to see if that will help him in any way. He cries out again. I pet his soft head to comfort him and he calms down as he realizes that I have not left him. I almost fall asleep on the floor next to his bed stroking him, keeping him quiet. Thinking he has finally found enough peace to sleep, I get up and go to my room, only right next-door to his.
I am woken at five a.m. from his loud howls of being frighten and lost. I run out to cradle him in my arms. Mom and Dad wake up around six a.m. to go to work. I am still up, cradling him against me determined not to leave his side when he is in need, because of the numerous times he has been there for me.
My parents are left the house by seven a.m. so I take Sam to lie on the couch with me, where my legs and back are tired from standing and sitting up with him for the past two hours. I talk and comfort him, looking into his once big black beautiful eyes and, petting his soft silky hair, praying to God that he will never leave me.
We both fall asleep around eight and wake up at nine-thirty. I take him upstairs with me so I can express my poetry and commentary about the past events in my journal. When he starts crying again I take him into my parents room to lie on the big bed with him and talk to him, as he is still too weak to move on his own and is still coughing uncontrollably.
His breathing is very weak I notice as we sit in silence. I recite to him “Sam, I love you, so much, you can’t leave me. Please, don’t leave me.” He is the only boy I have ever begged to, and probably the one and only boy I will beg to for anything. We lie there for a while, staring at each other. I; adoring him with all my hearts capacity can handle. Telepathically talking to him, and I know he hears what I say, and considers what I’m telling him.
I decide to take him downstairs. Once I lay him on the floor to cool off from his fever he throws up and accidentally pees himself, showing how much self control he has, which makes me more worried by the second. Obviously I have to clean up the mess so I take him to my sister who is still sleeping, seeing as it is a Sunday, and lie him down with her as I quickly clean the floor trying to get back to Sam’s aid as soon as I can. When I enter my sisters room to retrieve him, she tries to tell me that he is dying and that it is more than just a flu, but I refuse to listen to her nonsense and leave the room with Sam in my arms once again.
I sit with Sam on the couch with the lap top on the table open, talking to one of my friends. I close it and set my attention back to my baby brother who is suffering in my arms just to breathe. So, I tell him, “If Jessica is right, then I don’t want to be the reason you are suffering here. You can go to heaven.” I choke out, listing a few of my loved ones that are already in heaven, but haven’t made nearly the impact that Sam would make if he went there too. “They will protect you. Just wait for me.” A few minutes later, maybe even seconds later, Sam chokes for his last breathes and the life fades from his eyes and body, as he twitches in my arms. He’s gone. I already feel warm tears running down my face rapidly and onto his body, as my heart shatters into and endless amount of pieces. My best friend is dead. I hold his, now cold, body tight to mine, wishing he would come back. I feel a kiss on my left cheek not even noticing that father has come home just in time to see me saturated in my tears and holding the dead body of the only boy I have loved in my arms. He leaves me to sob, and goes back to work. It is exactly twelve p.m. on February, 14th 2010, Valentines Day.
Soon enough, Jessica awakens and tries to comfort me. I am too numb to hear or care what she says so I take his body and rap it into his favourite blanket and lay him in his bed to peacefully sleep, forever.
My grandparents arrive not long after, from receiving a call from my father telling them the news. I dive for my Nan’s arms, the one who I have been closer with than my own mother. I make them some tea and give them some food and pull myself together, seeing as, we do have guests and they come first.
I have my tears completely under control by the time my mother is home from work. My eyes are very red and puffy, but I don’t have a way to cover that up. She tries to comfort me too, but it just makes me angry and I push her away. Dad comes home too, but he’s not the emotional type so he doesn’t say anything to me.
I take Sam’s body into my room lay it on the bed as I lie next to him and cry, cuddling him into me as my head pounds painfully from all the stress and tears in one day. Feeling how cold and hard his body is now, from just a few hours ago when it was warm and soft, makes me even more upset. I tell myself to suck it up, he’s gone and not coming back.
Mom is already nagging me to pick a spot to bury him and to be quick about it because she is oblivious to my now shattered heart and fragile feelings. I decide in the front yard, where I can access him easily and see him when I walk by. Not necessarily a good thing, but I can not forget him, no matter how much I wish I could forget the pain. I keep his blanket under my pillow, for his remembrance… it still smells just like him, and I can’t help but cry every night since that day, besides sleepovers, because I refuse to cry in front of people seeing as they have their own problems and I don’t need to add to them. I always have a faint head ache in my forehead from crying so much, or a very big head ache that stops me from going to school some days.
My heart is broken and scattered and no one has come to fix it. Sam was always there to talk to whenever I was down or broken. Now because he is the reason I am broken, I have no one.

I miss him, a lot.
I love him with all my heart. Or what is left of it.
I will be with him again some day, and on that day, my heart will be fixed.
But until then… I am broken.