I hate that there's an 'ex' in front of that. :/
Anywho, yesterday we broke up. I am heartbroken, but I'm recovering. Mainly because I realized she's going to be the exact same person she was before so I'm really not going to miss anything besides the bathroom kissing and attempting to turn me on under the lunch table. And her hugs. 'Cause she's not allowed to hug me anymore. Nope, sorry. That would break me. That would totally f*cking break me. It is not something I would be able to handle. I love her hugs too d*mn much & she doesn't understand how much they mean to me, specifically from her, not just any hug. But her hugs, mean a h*ll of a lot to me, and after this, oh h*ll no.
I've sort of been crying all day. Er well, I guess the ones at school would just be considered tearing up. But then I got home & took a nap & when I woke up I got on the computer & I started bawling. Robert could technically be blamed for that. He asked me if I was okay after I was posting depressing status' & I think he may have seen me choking down my tears in seventh period. I was so... oh gosh, I don't even want to get into that..
I miss her being my girlfriend. I do. It's only been one day but I f*cking miss her. I'm not gonna make her feel guilty, though. Even though she's kind of making me feel like shit by still talking sexually & telling me she loves me. But hey, I get what I can. & I love her still. It's not gonna go away just because we broke up. But hearing it when I'm still heartbroken & finally realizing that talking to her & being her friend isn't going to be that hard isn't very easy for me.
I just can't... think about it that much, I guess. I can't start to miss the things that won't be happening anymore. Although I will, so, so f*cking much.
We talked on the phone earlier & the funny part was, I had just finished crying when the phone rang. & I totally expected it to be awkward, but she's good at getting me to converse, so it really wasn't that hard. I think our friendship is going to be fine. Hopefully, at least. 'Cause losing her completely would totally suck... :/
I'm actually quite happy that we were able to talk so easily again. I've been wanting her to call me for a long time now, even though I told her not to talk to me till Friday. I wouldn't have been able to hold out that long. But then at the end of the conversation she kept saying 'bye' over and over again & I knew what she was saying. She wanted to say it. I knew she wanted to say it. & I told her no. So many times. I felt like a broken record. & then she said it & I got the butterflies & then they were shot with a bb gun & now I'm like /sigh.
I'm sure none of this makes sense to the outside world but it makes perfect sense to me & hopefully her so if she reads this then she'll know what I'm talking about. But um, yeah. I'm gonna go to sleep now.
My ex-girlfriend is going to drive me insane.
November 17th, 2010 at 04:27am