She is indeed...
Samantha's gonna drive me insane. I dislike using the term 'ex' with a passion, mainly because I'm not sure she can really be considered that. It's exactly like we're still together, minus kissing. Which is f*cking weird, but okay.
She dumped me for two reasons that I am aware of. Reason A & reason B. Reason A is a lot easier for me to process, simply because it doesn't involve loving someone else. /eyeroll
Reason A: she thinks she's going to hell for liking girls. /facepalm Now Mibba, this is one of the biggest reasons I love you. When it comes to things like same-sex relationships, nearly everyone is like "go gays!". Now, if you can please explain to this lovely ex-o'-mine that if God loves everyone then he loves gays too? If he can love me, the girl who has only stepped foot in a church like five times out of the fifteen years that I have been alive and just cannot accept that there may be some magical place we all go after we die, then there is no way he can not be okay with you just because you like the same sex. I understand that it's considered 'un-holy' or whatever. I get it, I do. But if he exists, and he's going to send an amazing girl like her to hell just because she likes vaginas more than dicks, then he is insane. No disrespect intended, of course.
Reason B: Now this one... I understand it, but I don't like it. Not that I like the other one either, but the other one is easier to cope with. She's in love with another girl. The whole reason she came out to me was because of this girl. She was basically obsessed with her. They were best friends, and some where along the way, Samantha started having feelings for her. I advised Samantha on what to do, and, mainly because she kept saying over & over again that she wanted to, I told her to tell her. This was not a good idea. Because while she took it okay, she also stopped talking to Samantha. & Samantha still isn't over her. Like at all. Whatsoever. It has been like four months, and she is still not over her. & you know what Mibba, that hurts. I was with this girl for two months, and in those two months I fell head over heals in love with her. I know, I sound incredibly stupid saying this after two months, but Mibba... this girl, she is d*mn amazing. I can't even explain why. She just... is. & I am so in love with her, but she basically left me for this other girl. The girl she will never be able to get. While here I am, sitting her typing my fingers off talking about how much I love her. This is sad.
Wow, this is not what this journal was supposed to be about.
I miss her. So much. There isn't really anything to miss, considering we're still the exact same way we were when we were together except that every time she mentions some things my heart starts to hurt. But I miss being able to call her mine. I miss being able to feel comfortable in her arms because I can snuggle in as much I want because she's mine. Now I can't hug her because I know I'll want to do that and not being able to will hurt, so much.
I am still so off topic.
All day today she was hug raping me. She knows Idon't want can't let her hug me now. I can't. It hurts way to much. But no, all day, she was following me around hug raping me. In the morning, I was literally running away & having people pull me so I could get away from her. It was like tug-o-war & I was the rope.But she looked so damn adorable hug raping me. ::tehe:
Then before third period, a time she wasn't supposed to be anywheres near my hallway, considering she came from the band room & her third period class was somewhere in the five hundred building. Basically on the other side of campus. Well she told me I look pretty today. I wasn't sure if that was what she said, but it was. & it made my heart pound in my ears but also confused the h*ll out of me because well, she broke up with me.
After fourth period, this is what made my head & heart hurt, she came over to my hallway again. She tried to get me to hug her, but I refused. I just... couldn't. I wanted to give in. Because I could smell her d*mn perfume & it always makes me want to hug her. We started walking up the stairs & I told her she's going to drive me insane. She asked me why & then said all she wants is to be my girlfriend. I got butterflies & for once in the past three to four days, they were not shot.
Then she called me earlier. & we talked about what she said. & if we think we could make this work. & she asked me out again. But then we started talking about the girl that she likes. & how she keeps changing her mind about wanting to be with me. So we're going to wait a while. Hopefully a while isn't to long, because I miss being hers & her being mine.
Anywho, I'm really freaking tired right now. & I'm sick, so it doesn't help much. So I'm gonna go to sleep. Maybe you actually read this entire journal? I wonder. Well nighty-night.
You're cute when you try to hug rape me.
November 18th, 2010 at 04:45am