Happy Birthday

I'm changing....I don't know if I'm happy about it...I'm falling apart, barely breathing, with a broken heart that's still beating. But it's healing. I lost a very special friend a few years back, and I had a bag full of her things under my bed. I never touched them, but that didn't mean I forgot they were there. Only on a rare occasion would I open that bag. I believe, the reason that I had that bag was because I wanted to keep a grasp onto her, and I thought I'd had one by having some of her favorite things. But I was wrong. She's gone. I'm finally realizing it. She's not gonna visit me in my dreams or magically appear in front of me like I'd always thought. Like I'd always hoped. It's over.

I took out her stuff from underneath my bed the other night. I placed her shirts into a drawer so that I could give them to her little sister the next time I see her. And I hung up her skirt in my closet, along with her jacket. I placed that in the back of the closet, where maybe I'll be able to give that to her sister too. As for her purse that I gave her, with all her make up in it. I think I'll keep that, and give it to my own daughter someday. But with out the make up hah.

There's not one single day where she's not on my mind. I'll never be able to forget her, not that I want to. She was always there for me and, in a way, she still is. I pretend I still talk to her by sending msgs to myself and putting them in a folder labeled "thoughts". It helps me vent when my emotions are reaching my rim.

It'll be her birthday in no more than an hour. She'll be sixteen. I'm going to buy her a gift and place it on her memorial on the side of the road. I think she'll like it. I told myself I wouldn't cry over her anymore....because it only made things worse. And, plus, if she was really watching me, she would probably be sad and wouldn't want me to. But it can just be so hard on me sometimes. I mean, I watched her die right in front of me....and I reacted in the most unexpected way. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for how I reacted after what happened. I'm not going to tell you guys, because it's way to embarrassing and probably the most selfish thing anyone could do. I'm sorry Chelsie.

Rest in peace best friend. I'll see you soon enough.
November 27th 1994- December 20th 2006