My second tl;dr journal entry in like...a week? I need to stop thinking so much.
To get right into it, I don't like my dad. Don't hate him, don't love him. I'm indifferent. I have my reasons. But sometimes, I kinda think maybe I'm slightly too hard on him. My brother thinks I am, but my sister doesn't, nor does my mother think so. but idk. What do you think?
I resent my dad because he's a manipulative, narcissistic bastard. Example? 'Kay then.
Well, once, when my brother and I were aboout five and six years old, my parents had a fight and my mom decided to stay at a hotel just for one night because she couldn't stand to be around him. She told my brother and I that she would be back in the morning, and of course we didn't know the real reason why, but she made sure to tell us that she'd be back. I don't remember what happened the rest of the day because I blocked it out, but basically, We didn't want her to go, duh, we're little kids, but we were like, "okay, just for a day. We can handle that." But later, my father told my brother and I that our mother had left us and she was never coming back and it was all our fault. Why was it our fault? I don't remember. I actually repressed this memory a little bit because I just remember that day being really horrible for me. I don't like thinking about it. Anyways, he told us this to get us to clean our room. Not kidding. He said if we didn't, she'd never come back. Now, I know for a fact that he said more blatant lies like this, but I don't remember exactly what. All I remember is him telling us that bullshit, then saying, "you guys are going to pay for this," and my brother and I crying hysterically. Because back then, you believed everything your parents told you, didn't you?
But I mean, what jackass tells two small children their mom isn't coming home over something they did? A five and six year old kid! Who the fuck does that shit?
Of course, she came back, as promised, and I don't remember what she told us when we said, "daddy told us you were never coming back." But that's just one example why my dad's a shit.
Another example: I have a half-sister named Valerie who's ten years old than me. I didn't see a whole lot of her as a kid because we have different mom's and stuff. And for awhile, she didn't see a lot of my dad. When she came down for a visit a couple years ago, she told my mom that my dad had gone three years without talking to her. Not a phone call, not a letter, no nothing, just out of nowhere. When he finally did contact her again, the excuse he gave her was that he had been in jail the whole time in Texas for...some reason or another, I don't remember. She believed him. And yeah, this would be a pretty legit excuse...if it were true. Spoiler alert: he lied. He was in California, of course, where he's always been. My mom had to be the one to tell her he was full of shit. My dad just didn't want anything to do with his own daughter until he remembered, "oh yeah, I'm actually a father and father's usually talk to their own kids." Of course he wasn't going to tell her that he didn't want to talk to her. But still, making up all these tremendous lies isn't that much better at all. Sometimes you need to tell people the truth, even if it hurts them, and you make it up to them.
He's pulled that shit with me, too. Only he hasn't given me that much bullshit excuses. I know once he told me the reason why he went a year without talking to me was because of drug issues and what not. Honestly, I have no idea if he's being truthful. You can never tell with him. And I've given him second, third, fourth, fifth chances to, y'know, actually be in my life without randomly bailing out for two or three years, and he's screwed up each time. He's been doing this since I was ten, when my parents divorced. So he gets no more chances from me.
Oh, and my mom recently told me that years ago, when my bro and I were very young, that my dad told her he had terminal cancer. Not kidding. Now, unfortunately for him, my mom's not a freaking dumbass and didn't believe him, because she knew he was doing it for the attention. But she humored him and let him dig himself a hole deeper and deeper until one day she told him that she knew he was full of shit and it blew up in his face. Of course, my brother and I didn't know this at the time, which is good. I don't even want to imagine...ugh.
Who does that? People die from cancer every single fucking day, and it is horrible for them and their families, and all of those poor children who get diagnosed at such a young age and go through chemo and all of that, and my own father says he has it just for attention. Please tell me it's not wrong of me to think he is a fucking PSYCHO for doing this?
It's funny, because my brother used to be on the same boat as me, wanting nothing to do with him, but he forgives him. Even through all of the lying and the manipulating and all of that, he's forgiven him and talks to him regularly. Used to be the opposite with us. I want nothing to do with him now, and I don't want to tell my brother to just give it up because it's only a matter of time before he disappears off the face of the earth for another two to three years for no reason. My mom says my dad is really trying, but I seriously don't buy it for a second. Can you blame me?
Wanna hear something ironic? He was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer. For serious this time. I didn't believe it at first, but it's true. The doctor's caught it early though, and he's going to have surgery and he's not going to die or anything. My brother and his girlfriend are going down to California in a few days to visit him, since his surgery is in a few days, too. I'm not going, don't want to go. I mean, I don't want him to die...I just don't give a shit. And I think this is just karma biting him in the ass. And even if this is a wake up call to him, I still want nothing to do with him. I've given him too many chances. He doesn't deserve any more.
Now, my question is, am I wrong for resenting him so much? I mean, there's more to the story than just everything I've typed here, much more, but after reading all of this, I want to know: I'm not some evil, insensitive bitch for just not caring anymore, am I? Because my brother doesn't understand why I'm so...well, angry towards him. (Which just makes me want to slap him and go, "hi, do you know absolutely nothing about our father?!" FYI, he knows about the faking cancer thing, too.) But I think my feelings are justifiable. I mean, how would you guys feel if yoou were in my shoes? I'm genuinely curious.
Anyways, I don't know where all this came from. I guess I just needed to vent a little. I'm not really angry, though, which is good. Craving some pumpkin pie, though...at 4:17 in the morning. O.o
on a lighter note: how was thanksgiving for those who celebrated? Mine was okay. Disappointed that my two friends and my uncle didn't come over, so it was just me, my mom, my brother, his girlfriend, and my mom's boyfriend. But she's a bomb ass cook, so it's all good.~
And I have SING by MCR on repeat. I think that's why I'm not angry right now. lol. Their new album is pretty damn awesome. S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W is my favorite of alll time, though. oh my GOD. jdhckjdfhnkjxdf that song. Loving Vampire Money and Bulletproof Heart, too. Also downloaded the three Mad Gear and Missile Kid songs because I don't have the boxset, and FUCK, that shit is awesome, too. Totally sounds like raw, old school punk rock, sorta. Like, if it existed twenty years ago, I've a feeling it'd be popular in the punk scene. Anyone agree? It's like, completely different from Danger Days, then again they're not supposed to be MCR with that EP.
ok, I've rambled long enough. Comment if you'd like. If you actually read this whole thing, cyber hugs to you. <3
For those of you with (and excuse my choice of words) "daddy issues," enter here. I want some opinions.
November 27th, 2010 at 01:22pm