A Lonely September.
^ Listen to that. Seriously, listen to it. & read the lyrics 'cause this is like, the song that best explains how I've felt for a few days now. Listen to all of it. Yes, I'm not only talking to Mibbians but the one person I know/I'm hoping will read this.
On with the journal!
They changed our lunch schedules at school. Dayshia, Jada, and Taylor are the only people that kept the same lunch. ::grr: Now I've got it with Samantha (my ex) & some other people. I wanted to sit next to her at lunch, but I was sort of afraid to. So I just sat at the end of the table. I felt really weird not being next to her every time I saw her today. Usually we'd be standing right next to each other. But no, we weren't & we barely talked today, actually.
I've still got an incredible amount of feelings for her. I know it's only really been two days since my hopes of us ever getting back together have been sort of crushed, but I just... I don't know. I expected it to be different, ya know? I was afraid to look at her face. And every time I did I looked for a bit to long & I think she kinda noticed. It doesn't help any that she looked incredibly freaking adorable today. I don't know what it was, but she just looked... gorgeous, actually. Ugh, I should really stop this. ::facepalm:
It feels like things are so... official now. Like it's been made clear that there's no way I'm going to get her back & I should move on. She keeps telling me I should move on, too. Which isn't helping me actually do that, it's just making me sad...
Oh, sadness.
Last night she told me she might be moving across the country in three weeks. Across the country. I'd never see her again. She didn't seem to realize how upsetting I actually find this until we were off the phone & texting instead. I was so... I don't want to go there.
I don't wanna lose her, though. Not completely. I've already lost her as my girlfriend, I don't want her to not be able to be my friend, either. ::sad: I keep thinking about what it would be like if she does move. I'd feel so weird looking around in the morning trying to spot her. I admit, I do that. Just... ugh. This is gonna make me depressed typing talking about this. But I really want to get it out.
I should be happy for her, I know. I'm sure California is an awesome place to live, but you know what, I am a selfish person. I really don't want to lose her. I know California is probably a lot better than Florida & I'm sure she could make a lot of kick as* friends there, but I want her to be my kick as* friend here. I feel like such a terrible person...
November 29th, 2010 at 11:30pm