I don't know what to do and I know I'm thinking too much but still...

I don't know. My boyfriend's in love with me and I'm not in love with him. I really really like him, and I don't want to do anything to hurt him but at the same time I can't see us being together forever or whatever. He's convinced we're gonna get married and it's all gonna be fine and dandy, and he's just oblivious to the fact that I don't feel the same way.

I want him to be here. I really do. Mexico isn't good for him, he gets hurt all the time and it's just not mentally healthy for him. He gets upset about stuff that happens down there way too easily, and I know it would be better for him to get away from it. He was here for two weeks and he didn't sustain any life threatening injuries. He did crack a couple ribs, but my friend kicked him and he probably did something to deserve it.

I'm just worried that I'm the only reason he wants to move up here. What happens if I'm not such a major part of the equation? I don't plan on just ditching him completely, I can't imagine life without him as a friend. It'd be like not talking to any one of my best friends. It would just be too difficult. He calms me down so much sometimes and I need that. It's selfish, yeah... but idk. I know it would be worse for him too if we just cut contact. Neither of us would be able to handle that sort of isolation.

But what do I do? I can't think of any way to ask him about it without mentioning breaking up, and I know I don't want him dwelling on that because I know it probably won't be for a while, unless he does something incredibly stupid and I just can't take it anymore. I love him like I love my best friends, but that's not what he wants.

He really does need someone who will love him the way he loves me. After all the crap he's had to deal with he at least deserves that. I'm just afraid that finding out it's not me will just destroy any hope he has. I don't want him to give up, but I feel trapped when I think about it. The thought of marrying him terrifies me because I know he's not the one. Yeah, that's a stupid concept and I don't completely agree with it, but I also know that I want to marry someone who will be a husband and support me, not a kid I have to babysit. And at this rate... that's how this feels most of the time.

My parents are no help though. They don't seem to get that I really do really like him, and that breaking up with him is not an easy option. I don't WANT to break up with him, not yet, and I don't ever WANT to hurt him even though I know I will. I told him so, too. I told him months ago that I'd only break his heart and he didn't listen. He doesn't realize it yet, but he'll know then. He'll know I was right and that I warned him.

I don't know. I'm just thinking too much, I know. And I'm tired and stressed and today just sucked in general so I shouldn't be thinking about this on top of all the other crap I'm thinking about, but it just seems to take over. And then I go to pray about it and I get "Wait." Thanks. I need to sleep. My roommate is here though and I can't sleep when she's here cuz of her stupid fan. I haven't slept hardly at all in 2 days. I want to go home. I want to be done with class and it'll be Christmas and I can go to Mexico and finally get this all figured out. Maybe.