I'm trying to not want to know why. But I do, so terribly. I'm a nosy f*cker & I want to know but I'm not going to ask because I'd feel incredibly stupid phrasing that question like that because it's just so cliche & I know none of you know what the h*ll I'm talking about & I'm sorry about that, but please don't click away.
Have you ever done this before? Wanted to know something so badly but knew you couldn't ask because you probably already knew the answer & you probably wouldn't be able to find out anyways? Ugh, I cannot believe this. I shouldn't be wondering. Actually, you know what, f*ck that. I should be wondering.
People have drilled through my head so f*cking much that I shouldn't be wanting to know things, I shouldn't want things to happen, I shouldn't still be hoping. & I know, the last one I shouldn't be. I really shouldn't, but if I start feeling hopeless I'm going to feel like sh*t & probably have a breakdown. So I'm not gonna go there. Although I do believe I'm really close to one already. Just like the pants thing last year. I don't feel like telling that story right now.
But I can wonder whatever the h*ll I want to wonder & I can want to know things because if I didn't I'd probably be worried as to why the h*ll I didn't care. But I do, I care so f*cking much it's insane.
Weird little random creepy part now!
Inside my brain, there is this locked room. All that is inside, is a chair and a girl. The girl is me. & she is constantly screaming. She's angry & she's ripping her hair out right now wanting to know why why why & she's screaming it. & this little room is what it is like inside my head. But it is locked. Because on the outside I appear perfectly fine. But on the inside there is this angry little girl who is screaming & wanting to know why things like this happen & why they hurt so damn much & why they make you wonder why they're happening & I can't f*cking handle wondering all of this sh*t because I want answers.
I want to know the answers to the questions I had in my head all day long. I expected to be getting my answers & now I'm not. I'm not getting my answers. I'm not sure if I ever will get my answers because that's the only time I'll ever be ballsy enough to even try get my answers. Oh my f*cking god, I'm going to have a mental breakdown & I can feel it coming on & this isn't something that should trigger a mental breakdown. Although the last time that happened it was about some f*cking pants. Pants. I couldn't find the d*mn pants & I had a total & complete breakdown over pants. At least this is something to be upset over.
I'm gonna go die in a hole now. kthxsbai.
Also, I just edited my layout! Go check it out?
I honestly want to bash my head against a wall right now.
December 3rd, 2010 at 02:34am