Why do I miss you?

So, here it goes. I'm afraid of love. There. I admitted it. Love is shit. I told you that I was afraid of trusting people. I told you that I was scared of dating, for I have never experienced a relationship like your used to. You took that, and put me under your little spell. You made me trust you, in 3 weeks. I let you into my head. I told you everything. You were my first everything. First real kiss, first cuddle, first make out, first love, first person I could see myself with for the rest of my life. I trusted you with my every little secret. You destroyed me.
You took away my friends. My happiness. My freedom. I never thought someone could watch another person cry and frankly not give a damn. I thought you would be the one to hold me when I was sad. But no, you just made me cry harder. You were the one to call me all of those nasty names. You were the one that made me believe that I was all of those things. I don't understand how one minute you can be biting my neck, and the next giving me the cold shoulder. I just don't get how you say you love me, but then do all those nasty things to me. I don't give a shit that ALL of your friends are girls. I don't care that you don't have any money. I don't care if your bipolar or not. I tried my hardest to be the best I could be for you, but you just threw it all back into my face.
Finally, the perfect guy comes along, gorgeous, someone that I really don't deserve, and asks me out, and I'm afraid to be happy and say yes. I'm afraid of getting hurt by someone. I'm afraid that I'm not going to be perfect for him either. I'm afraid that I am going to mess it up because I'm afraid of actually messing it up by over thinking everything. This isn't fair for me, or for him. I know that I deserve better, but you have it carved into my head that I don't deserve a good person. I don't need to be happy. Why do I keep letting you come back? Why am I under your spell? I just don't get it. Why can't I just walk away. What if you really are the person I am meant to be with? What if you are really my other half. I'm just scared of what’s going to happen when we both move on. I don't want to loose you. I'm afraid to trust another with my heart, for I don't want to be broken.
I know he wouldn't ever hurt me on purpose, but you have got me trained to think that I can never be happy with someone for more than a week at a time. Why can't I move on? Why can't I accept the fact that your never going to change. Why do I have it tattooed into my mind that I want to be the one that you treat like shit because eventually it has to be someone. I really really want to be happy with him, but I can't stop my feelings for you, and I just don't get why. I do have feelings for him, I really do, but why can't they match to yours? I want to fall in love with this guy, but my feelings for you are in the way. That's why I told this other guy that I need to sort my shit, because it isn't fair that I have feelings for someone else. When I am with this other person, I want to be 100 percent for them, not 80.
I don't want to compare every little thing to what you do. What you look like, smell like, I just don't want to, it's not fair. I get that you have a shit home life, but god, let me help you. I offer you food and money, a place away from home. But no, you prefer to spend all of your time with your other friends, the ones that have gotten you back into what I got you out of, drugs and drinking. And that's what is making me hate you again. I don't want to be here for just when you want me. I want to be the person that you want to be with every second, and give up everything for. I want to be the girl that calls you up crying because something beds going on, and you come and run to my rescue, holding me, and telling me that you love me. Dropping everything just to make me feel better. The guy that brings me flowers when I'm sick.
I want the guy that I was with when we weren't fighting. The guy that wrote me love notes in class instead of paying attention. The guy that stood in the rain with me, sharing both of our first kisses in the rain. The guy that sat in the stands of every single one of my games and tournaments, watching me sit the bench in the cold rain. The guy that would lay in bed or on the couch for hours, just to be with me. The guy that wanted to be with me every second. The guy that watched chick-flicks with me. The one that gave me a beanie baby for valentines day, a penguin for our one month, and flowers for our first, second, and third month anniversary. The one that became friends with my mom. The man that wore my clothes, and took the harassment for looking gay in my pants. The guy that sat there on my bed, looking into my eyes and singing Baby It's Fact by Hello-goodbye to me, and who dubbed A Whole New World from Aladdin our song. The one that took me to his house, laid with me on the couch and watched Wall-E with me, showing me that it was alright to make out with a guy on a couch. The one that got his car stuck in my drive way the first time he came over, and brought me Starbucks. The one that took me on my first real date, just walking around town, kissing me in the park by the school and by the gold miner statue. The same day that you kissed me for the first time in the hallway. The guy that showed me how to become a vegetarian. The guy that taught me that it was alright to promise your heart to someone that you know will keep it safe. The guy that almost got beat up cause you defended me.
I miss being happy with you, but you ruined that. You cheated on me. You tore away any confidence in a relationship that I gained. You tore away any trust that I had towards any male figure. You made me give up on love. I don't think that trust will come back any time soon. You ruined me. You put me into depression. I don't get why I still waste my time on someone that just hurts me. I want my feelings for you to just disappear. Ugh. Why do I love you. Why can't I just forget about the past shitty 8 months. Why can't I move on? I just don't get it. Why cant you just talk to me about us. Why are you running. Why can't you admit that you care. Why. Why. Why.