I know I written on one of my older posts about ‘Life is Living’ but being in my depressive state right now my worthless, depressive thoughts will be heard…. or read.
Life had no purpose for me before. I had a the same routine, same game plan. From Mondays to Fridays I woke up at five thirty, took a shower to feel refreshed. I put on the same black pants and the same polo or button up shirt other kids from my school would be wearing. Leaving my hair the same messy style it always has been in with a head band to make me stick out from the rest of the crowd. My mis-happed polish that needs to be double coated and drew an outline on my eyes with my favorite liquid eyeliner followed by eyeshadow. Leaving out the door with a pack of gum and a bottle of strawberry milk tea in hand. Waiting for the bus in silence, I waited. Waiting for the bus to pull up, a man who didn’t want to be here, just a man doing his ordinary daytoday job. I pull up at school and drag my feet towards the cafeteria and sit there waiting for a text that reads: Come and pick me up. By my best friend Lydisha. I walk up back the way I came in to pick up my friend and we walk in silence. We are not morning people so we usually wait our boredom out by eating chocolate to gain hyperness and doing homeworks we didn’t do the following night. I didn’t understand why we chilled in the cafeteria when we never eat breakfast at all, I guess the air conditioning astounds us. Our day begins i utter boringness and when the day deprives us lunch comes and craziness kicks into gear. After that, our last period just goes by all to quickly. I never did anything in the weekend of purpose. Nothing special. Yeah, once in awhile I went out with friends, but it was nothing to write about. I recently stopped going bible studies so now I’m a sitting couch potato at home growing a huge bulge on my abdomen. The only pleasures i had in life was my strawberry milk tea, my chocolate, my lasagna, and my book I kept on the side of my bed were I wrote meaningful things to me. A book were I feel my heart is connected to those words. An easy, simple quotes would uplift my soul and make me feel complete especially after a awful day.
Then suddenly, you came part of that book. You came part of the words that connected me to my heart. You uplifted my soul and you make me feel complete. Now my life is a roller coaster ride without a stop sign. You were just the boy in the back of the class and I was the girl in the front. I wondered if your eyes boarded into my back creating burn marks across my skin. Is it possible? But It wouldn’t make a point because I was oblivious. You were just a boy I glanced at couple of times just adoring your smile and hair. The boy I told my best friend who was gorgeous in many way, but never thought we could end up here.Then once upon a time a fire drill…….. We talked what seemed like forever….. We didn’t talk about anything important just stupid, general things and since then on you have never left me alone. I knew something was up, but I didn’t want to plan and get hurt in the end, but you just strung along like a magnet to it’s refrigerator. You mended me into the dorkiest, nerdiest being and I seem to love it. Being with you makes me whole and complete, I feel free. Like I could just stand on top of the highest cliff and look down. I could feel the adrenaline pumping into my veins and I could feel the rush and the fear pumping in my heart like a baseline, but your standing next to me and I’m ready to jump. Free and no regrets. I’m happy and I’m ready. You pulled something out of me, you pulled a big happy person. I’m not the same arrogant person I once was. I’m a girl falling in love for the weirdest boy on earth. You brought adventure to my life and I’m a adrenaline junkie. I can’t wait to take the leap off of the cliff.
Your a new discovery for me. Because you’re everything I’m not use to. I never been with a boy with hidden pasts and torture. I never been with someone who has such a beautiful, compassionate heart and not afraid to tell me his deepest, darkest feelings. Like I said, we are a roller coaster ride. You are my adventure, my discovery, my mate. I never been with an emotional wreck who’s feelings can be lit up like a torch by a single word, but I guess I love this emotional wreck. Because no matter what past pains you’ve been in, no matter what evil you been through. I still love you. Because you making me smile, you making me laugh, you making me feel better when I’m a emotional wreck is worth it all. I will stay when you plan to jump off a cliff or burn in hell. I will be there following right behind you to jump off that same cliff and to burn in the same exact stake. Because where your going is where I want to go. Your my discovery and I’m your scientist. And you make me happy. And all this bullshit writing is not enough for me to say how I exactly feel. Not at all. You make me dream dreams that ain’t possible, yet, I want them to happen so bad. You enlighten a fire out of me and now I’m ready to become a Phoenix. And I know I’m happy, but I am still scared through my bones. The thought of losing you is like having my bones getting crushed from the inside. How do you stand up after that? How do we get up and walk again? Your my gravity and I am your oxygen. Sometimes I hate you for being so noble and caring. I hate you for being so considerate and understanding. there are some days I just want you to grab my hair and scream all your anger at me. Does that make sense? Me loving&hating you. But my love outweighs all the hate. Because being with you is like Christmas or like me being five years old again. We may fight and you may cause scenes, but I wouldn’t want you any other way. If your hot boiled anger is what shows me that you care I will take it. If your burnt past is what makes you ‘you’ then I’m going to love you forever. I love you for your broken pasts and wrong decision’s; I love you for your idiocy and protectiveness because it makes you ‘you’. I love you and your flaws.
Your my discovery and I am you scientist. You are my gravity and I am your oxygen.
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