Done. [just some venting.]

I'm so done with this life. Crying everyday and thinking about what it would be like to end it isn't normal. I wish I had someone in my life who was always there for me. Not just when they see something is wrong, or if they need something, but someone who says hi just for the hell of it and actually cares how I am.

Ive been hurt everyday of my life for the past 5 years and I'm so done. I wish guy problems were the only problems I had in my life. I'm done hiding everything I feel, everything that's going on, everything I think.

It hurts to have to pretend and live another life around my friends for so long. I have no idea who I am anymore. I hate everyone saying how fucken perfect i am when I am CLEARLY not.
I'm not smart.
I'm not gorgeous.
I'm not well liked.
I'm not normal.
I'm not who everyone sees me as.
I'm not gonna do this anymore.
Every time I close my eyes I think about and imagine ways to kill myself.
yeah I know..I need professional help, but guess what?
I don't want it. I've tired and it does nothing. I don't need another stranger to judge me. My life is a lie that's gone to far and needs to end.

Music use to me my outlet, go to a concert, blast a cd, sing my heart out, but I don't want to go to concerts, I'd rather use headphones, and just listen and keep quite. My family knows nothing about me. I use to cut and I'm considering starting again..or just killing myself, but they doubt that i would do it because I'm a "flower". I'm seen as weak to my family and to my "friends" I'm seen as just that girl. My classmates see me as the smart bitch and my teachers see me as the quite smart kid. Very few people know the real me and even the ones who do, don't believe me or fight with me about it. I live this life...I know what its like.

I'm just so done with everything.