thoughts..

Is there something wrong with me? Sometimes I think there is - sometimes I worry there is. Even if I’m super happy, all I can seem to think about is sad and depressing things… And I can never seem to let anyone get close to me. Ever. And then, as soon as I start to actually let someone get close, it’s almost as though I subconciously do something to skrew it up… And you know what else? I hate to admit this - and I can’t believe I’m about to - but the other day, I was thinking…and I think I may have border-line split personality disorder…and that scares me…more that anyone can imagine. But, I’m afrain I might be…for example sometimes I’ll get mad at someone over something, but I don’t want to get mad…but it’s like I can’t help it. And I think what scares me the most is that sometimes I do things when I’m mad - or even when I’m not - but after it happens…I don’t remember doing it - I wont even remember conversations I had. That scares…so much… And I used to lie…A LOT. And I’m going to be honest…I’m not perfect…and I still lie sometimes…just not nearly as much as I used to.Was it my mom being so over-bearing that drove me to lying? Or would I have ended up doing it anyways?I wish I knew the answer. All I know is I’m trying my hardest, and that’s the best I can do. It’s just hard because how are you supposed to stop doing something when it’s as natural as breathing and you don’t even realize you’re doing it? I know what you’re thinking, “How can you not know that you’re doing it?” But see, that’s where the split personality thing comes into play…sometimes I honestly think that what I am saying is the truth - until someone shows me that it’s not.But here is what causes even more problems: sometimes that makes me start questioning other people and thinking that THEY’RE lying…and this doesnt end will for me because then people think that I’m lying more and that I think that they’re stupid - but that is not the case at all. God I sound completly crazy… Am I crazy? I hope not…I feel like I’m going to scream. I feel awful about things that have happened - and for the people I have hurt - in the past…even if I didn’t even remember doing it at all. If I could go back in time and change it, doin it all over again, fix it, and make it right, I would. But I can’t. The best I can do now is try to prevent it from happening again in the future. Sometimes I wish I could start over. Start fresh. Go somewhere where no one knows me, and I don’t know them. Somewhere where the demons of my past can no longer haunt me. A place where I can start it all over, and make everything right this time. That’s all I really want to do…I don’t want to stay here…I can’t stay here…I just can’t…