Like Cogs

I have never been this way. Ever.
I have always been a laid back and excited optimistic person. I've always stopped and looked at the sky, smelled the roses. I have always been one to accept the bad things that come my way and keep hoppin' on. I've never been one to feel discouraged or trapped. And I've always considered myself the luckiest girl in the world - it's nice I still believe that to this day.
I have never felt so narrowed in on stupid things like school. I've let getting a high gpa trample my mind into excuses and rationalizations. I keep whipping out my calculator and trying to figure out what my GPA is if pull my grade up or let it be. I keep smiling and frowning at different assignments and before I would have thrown them over my back and said well that was nice.
Why, you might wonder, am I acting this way over grades!
I ask myself the same thing. And I guess I do have an answer. I for once in my life want to prove myself. I was always the girl that never tried and still got impressive test scores. I was also the girl who never did her homework and teachers would fuss over why I wasn't meeting my potential.
I'm trying this year.
I'm trying because I can't live with "just potiental" and mostly I'm trying because *HE* has faith in me and I would feel lower than dirt if I didn't put the effort to prove him right. Top notch college here I come -_- SATS please treat me nicely. *HE* has become my smile and my heart. My hand to hold. He is the only thing in my life as of RIGHT NOW, that is stable. He is the only thing I know I can hang onto forever and I need that.
I wish everything else in my life was more predictable right now.
My grades are hardly even predictable these days.
One thing I wish to remind myself is to stop and stare at the sky again, Breathe in and shrug my shoulders. I need to zoom out and see everything working like cogs. We're all in this together.
Happy Thursday.

P.S
Fuck math.