None of them would be awake though. And even if they were, I don't think they'd be willing to help. I need a friend whose shoulder I can cry on, who I can finally break down to and let them know I'm not ok. I need to tell them the truth, and stop pretending I don't care anymore.
I miss my baby, and it hurts more than anything. I miss laying in bed at night rubbing my belly and talking to her. I miss the feeling that even when no one was around, I didn't feel alone. I even miss the fact I couldn't stomach Chinese food anymore even after I go on a 20 minute walk in the middle of the night to get some.
I will admit it; I had an abortion. I'm 17, I was a month off graduation and planned to go to uni next year and do all these wonderful things. When I found out I was pregnant, I was surprisingly calm. I only cried when I told my boyfriend, and when I had such bad morning sickness I failed an assignment because I couldn't get off the bathroom floor to get to school and I couldn't tell my teacher the truth. I told my "trusted" friends, who in turn told all their friends. In fact, I'm surprised it never got around to any of my family, considering the whole town knew and still persecute me and my boyfriend to this day.
My friend's mother came to my house and told my aunt who is the only family member who knows. When she asked me about it, I told her I wanted an abortion because I couldn't handle her being disappointed with me. I look up to her more than anyone, and the thought of letting her down killed me. But I didn't want an abortion. I wanted to keep my baby. My boyfriend stuck with me, and told me he'd support whatever decision I made because it was my body and my life. I wish he'd told me earlier that he actually wanted to keep the baby as well.
My friends weren't all that supportive either. One sort of was. I told her in our other friend's car while she was outside, and she seemed calm. I made the mistake of telling the other friend while she was driving, and she freaked out so much she nearly drove us into a tree. They didn't like it when I suggested keeping it. I was 'ruining my life'.
No, having an abortion ruined my life.
I found out it was a girl as I was having the mandatory ultrasounds before the abortion. I asked the nurse and while she seemed reluctant to tell me, she finally did.
When I got home I felt numb. My boyfriend came straight over and just held me for hours, but I couldn't cry. I've made up for that nearly every night since though. I haven't cried harder than the night he told me the name he picked for her. Ruby Sakura.
He cried for the first time in 5 years when he was approached at a bar by someone who knew very well and used to look up to, and flat out called a murderer. On his birthday. I've robbed him of his only child, his little baby, and for that I hate myself. Not as much as I do for robbing my own child of life for my selfish cowardly reasons.
But when my friends bring it up, I smile and say I'm over it. I sit there when they discuss babies and pregnancy like it never even happened. But really, every word is like a knife straight into my heart, and I want to be sick. I want to tell them how I really feel, but I'd have to be extremely drunk to work up the courage for that. I feel no one cares about me enough to truly want to be there and listen to me, and I can't keep talking to my boyfriend about it because every word is ripping him apart too. I just thank god he sticks by me and still loves and supports me every way. I don't deserve it, but at least I don't feel alone.
tl;dr?
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