I'm not going to try and say this isn't a rant or a pity trip, because that's exactly what it is, a self pity trip. Might as well let it all out some where, right? Well here is my whining and crying and all that snazzy stuff....
Why is it that everything I touch is destroyed? Why is it that I can NEVER do anything right?
When I get good grades all i get is do better, or try harder. Even though that is my trying hard and me working hard. When I get on something, like a computer, and then I get off, everything stops working properly and its my fault, even if they don't say it out right, they imply it. Always, "What did you do?", or "What did you put on my computer?" When I didn't Do/ PUT anything on there.
I'm stupid to actually think I'll ever get "Hey I'm proud of you" or "Hey you did a great job" Funny how I have what most would kill for, and I should be happy to have a family like mine. But I sometimes think, I would be a better person if I had what those that are worse off then me have, I always wonder if I would be a better person or if I would still be the same.
I wish I could be a better person, I wish for a lot of things that could never happen. but I found out a long time ago, that wishing and dreaming don't get you any where. Its something that parents tell their kids: "You know if y you wish hard enough or dream hard enough it will come true!" Yeah right, they believe it then and when they finally see the world they are screwed, because wishing and dreaming for what you want does nothing, and when its something you honestly want and you work for it, you'll find out its always going to be JUST out of your reach.
I'm such a horrible person to actually believe that. Aren't I?
See what I mean by wanting to be a better person, but I can't no matter how hard I try.
Of all the things I wish I was just a completely different person then maybe then I would actually be fun and not such an awkward, social, retard.(I'm allowed to say that, I am)
Everything I say is true, too bad nothing that comes out of my mouth isn't always true. I'm completely stupid, I look like I would hurt someone but honestly I couldn't, I mean I could try but I couldn't hit someone, if i did, it wouldn't have hurt. Out of my family I'm the weakest, youngest, and the one that's not smart enough to be in regular classes with out help.
I'm extremely insecure, about my self, I over think everything, I stand off to the side b/c I don't know what to do or say. Even to my close friends and my family, I'm freaking awkward
I've tried and tried to CHANGE but I'm too lazy, suck at anything I do.
I used to be very creative, and be able to write some good story's, and poems, and some odd songs, but for some reason its just all gone. I wanted to be a writer, but how can you be a writer and not be able to write anything worth reading.
I even suck at writing in a journal, even though I REALLY don't expect anyone to read it.
I'm so pathetically selfish, ungrateful, stupid to the point of knowing it, and I'm hateful(according to my father and his side of the family)
I see this as the end to my self pity parade, thank you for reading, if anyone did. I honestly don't think anyone would, but hey if you did give me your thoughts, mean or nice, I wouldn't mind. ^ ^
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