Yesterday in the pit I had one of my worst experiences ever. I just. I need to get this all out. But it hurts so much, all I want to do is forget but I keep getting flashbacks.
I literally got chilled to the bone waiting outside in the freezing cold for three hours. The only good parts were when the line got a My Chem singalong started, and when Jenna showed up out of nowhere. It was like the cold got lifted, seeing her beautiful face. She caught sight of us, ran, and we hugged finally after more than a month apart. She's one of my best friends and seeing her just absolutely was one of the best things about the entire night. But she had to leave to the back of the line with her dad, and we left each other, not sure if either of us would get in, still.
They started carding early, putting wristbands on over 21's. And when the guy looked at my id he said "How old are you?" (It was a 17+ plus show, and I'm only sixteen) and I kept myself steady even though it felt like I was going to start sobbing and lied "Seventeen." And he just smiled and gave it back to me. I was clear. Finally, finally, finally. After all these months of stressing, I was finally clear. It was the most incredible feeling. A little after 7:30, the door opened and they let us in. The reprieve from the cold was excellent. After getting patted down, rather invasively, they let us up the stairs and we entered the main floor, where I had only been two years previously, at the trainwreck of a Reggie & The Full Effect/LeATHERMOUTH show. Trainwreck on our parts, not on the band's part. Anyway.
In the pit, while the cold was seeping out of everyone else, it stayed in me, way deep in my bones. The aching and the tiredness hit me, and I was just like falling asleep on Lindsey's shoulder - in a fucking mosh pit and I knew I wasn't going to last. Then the panic started. And by the time the second band was coming out, I was aching everywhere and tired and panicking and about to throw up and I left the pit, I left. I made Lindsey stay and I left.
Begin full on failure. I went to the back of the pit and and I sat down or fell down, I don't remember, and the next thing I know I woke up or regained consciousness and the announcer said something about My Chemical Romance starting in a few minutes. I sat up, suddenly full of this weird energy (Jenna says it was adrenaline) and My Chemical Romance came out. I made my way to the first few rows of the pit with the starting song (Look Alive Sunshine/Na Na Na) and moshed my heart out. I got thrown around, I somehow managed to take a few shitty pictures in the more calmer moments, and even got to see them, all four of them, and Michael. I could sense that it was different without Bob, but I just couldn't dwell on it. It wouldn't have been fair.
But then, about halfway through it, I began feeling really sick again. With a heavy heart, I did one of the hardest things I've ever had to do... I turned my back on the four present men who helped save my life/help keep me alive and breathing, and I staggered away, out of the pit. I went to the back and the vertigo got really bad, I felt it in my throat, I just fell against the railing. People are me were concerned, one guy even got on my lower level and asked me what I was on. -.- I wasn't on anything, I tried to explain to him that I just got panic attacks, but he didn't believe me. He kept trying to get me to drink water and go with him to the stairs, but neither seemed appealing so I just waved him away and sat in my own misery.
A little while later I was able to stand up and I saw the last few songs, but then it hit me again, worse than before. The nausea, the fatigue, just... everything. The very last song they played, The Kids From Yesterday, I was sitting down. And I am so ashamed. Boys, I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I know you would understand, and Dana and Isis and everyone helped me understand that you would.
The show ended and I found Lindsey and Jenna, and cried a little to them and they made everything a little better, by assuring me there would be more shows and that it was okay. We all stood in the middle of the emptying pit and hugged each other. Then Jenna spotted her dad and we had to leave. But not before taking a last "rugged" picture of ourselves.
All in all, the show was amazing. I just fucked it up. And on that happy note, I wait anxiously for April to roll around again.
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