So this is me putting real effort into posting a journal. I don't really know how many people will see this at 3 in the morning but I'm going to do this anyways. I have been through a lot this week, and it's been freaking hard. Well this whole year has been really hard. I know it's been that way for a lot of people. I already kind of said what has happened in one of my previous journals, but anyways. A lot of it had to do with Jimmy's death, and things just went downhill from there.
Basically, I got cheated on by my boyfriend of three years with a 'friend' by proxy I was forced to go home to my parents house. Which wasn't my ideal situation, I already left I didn't really want to go back. I am twenty-two and still living at my parents house, while my friend has her life figured out, it really kind of smacked me in the face. But then again it was nice to be around my family again because well I left everything I knew for him, meaning my friends, my family, my easy ass job to move into a brokeass town with no friends, no family, and no job for a year.
Now to explain myself, I am not complaining I am just explaining what happened because I would not learned all the things I have today if I didn't share everything with you guys. Back to my story, for whatever reason I thought I was happy, because he was cute and we were doing things on our own and it was nice. We had a lot in common I think, because we are both creative. Though I can't say the good outweighed the bad. Because he wasn't really all that nice to me, after I came home my family they had all pointed out that I wasn't the same. Which was odd to me because I didn't feel different, my personality had not changed but my self esteem was nowhere near where it should have been.
Basically throughout the relationship he would put me down, and disrespect me in ways that were pretty similar to verbal abuse, which is not okay. Though I had been through it because my mom in her own ways does much the same as he did, only tells me things I shouldn't know as her daughter. He wasn't a bad person, and he never physically hurt me, but words and some actions can be louder than actually hitting them.
So after my heart got ripped open, when I found out he was planning a life with someone I thought was my friend I come home and not even two weeks later my mom throws salt in the same wound, saying she had made the worst mistake she could have ever made. Attempting to guess this without her spelling it right out for me, was pretty much what I heard, and it was about the same that had been done to me weeks before only a bit more damning.
And this was all in one month, so I was a bit overwhelmed. Unfortunately, things between my parents are still up in the air because neither of them can walk away like I could because they have been married for a long time, considering I'm 22. Months later, I went through some not so important to everyone else drama here on Mibba when I posted a story that one of my friends didn't like, even though I warned her she wasn't going to.
There were comments between her and another friend where I could see and another friend had shown me. So I confronted the girls about it, and one disappeared and has been gone since then. Which in my opinion is very stupid, because she has other friends who care about her and she hasn't talked to them in almost four months. I'm sorry, but it was a story, and you shouldn't have talked about me like that.
So after that I formed a sort of group with some of my fellow layout makers, which are pretty popular here on Mibba. And there were six of us, and you guys probably know them all so I don't think I'll share names. There were also a few extras who also make layouts. I finally felt like I had friends and I was getting to be really happy until some drama happened and I lost two good friends. Essentially I'm still pretty upset over the loss because I did appreciate their friendships but they obviously didn't care what I had to say because I tried talking to both of them.
I am not the type of person to give up on others, but in this case I had no idea what to do because I had tried to resolve my internal conflict with everything and it was just getting worse, so I guess letting it go was the right thing to do. I would like to believe I am a good person and good friend, because I willingly help people when they need me to and sometimes they don't have to. Although I will admit, I'm not perfect I have made my fair share of mistakes but, I am honest with people and if I have a problem I face it. I don't believe in hiding things from others, and this is pretty much displayed here. I am an open person, and I would like to keep it that way but people keep hurting me.
I'm not even sure what the real lesson here is, but as I'm sitting here writing I feel a lot better knowing I've shared everything. I guess the real purpose for this blog was to put myself out there and get more notice, which sounds kind of stupid I suppose but I wanted to do it and hope it would work. I was trying to update my Brian story, but this came out instead. I'll go back to Brian after I give a few shout outs.
Whitney;; Dear Lord there isn't enough words in this journal to explain everything you mean to me. You were the person who single-handedly brought me back into my passion. If it was not for you I would not be writing, and I would have lost my dream years ago. I would have lost a lot of things if it we're for you so thank you for that. I don't even know how but you read my damn mind, and you are perfect in so many ways I just can't even get over it. When I find a boyfriend, he'll probably have to compete with you for my attention because, yeah. Sometimes I wish you had a penis... xD You are truly my best friend, and my wifey and no one will ever replace you in my life, you complete me. <3
Jenna;; You're my twin, what else is there to say really? We have a lot in common, not just our names. And it seems that we find something new everyday. You have been there for me through a lot of this hell, and we have only become stronger. I wouldn't know what to have done without you all these nights I stayed up worrying about shit, and you made me laugh and push through everything. You may be younger than me, but most of the time I forget about it, because you're just that amazing. I am so happy that we are friends. <3
Mandie;; I love you, you talented, sweet person you. Through everything we have been through you and I are growing closer and I couldn't be happier about it. I don't know if you know this but I envy your talent when it comes to graphics, you are a truly amazing artist and I look up to you in so many respects. You are probably one of the sweetest human beings I have ever met and I thank you every day for giving me a second chance. You mean more to me than you realize. <3
Chrissy;; We don't talk as much as we used to and that makes me kind of sad, but at the same time I still love you. I love you every bit as much as I always have, you are my Cakester and no one else's. You have stuck by me when I needed you and I can't thank you enough for that, you are an amazing person and anyone would be lucky to have you as their friend just as I do. You know how to cheer me up in an instant, and on some freaky levels we have lots in common, we have a unique friendship and I love you! <3
Calli;; Just know that you're an awesome person for everything. Above everything else you make me laugh and that's not an easy task to accomplish. You aren't afraid to be yourself and I'm proud of you for that. Through everything you have been a good person to go to when I need someone to talk to and a laugh, you're just amazing that way. I am glad to know you and have you as a friend. I truly adore my Fluffy <3
And there's a few people here and there that I haven't mentioned, like Katy: you're so sweet; you give me a freaking toothache! and Mindy: For your age I see massive amounts of talent in you, and I don't even know but I just adore you to bits. Not to forget CJ : I see why Whitney loves you, and you are a great friend to me. I'd like to thank everyone who reads my stories and this journal, thank you for giving me your time. It's greatly appreciated.
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