The Horrors of Breakfast

Once upon a time, after a fun-filled night of Criminal Minds and sexy Dr. Reid, my friend CeraRachel and I woke up starving.

First off, we decided we were going to make egg sandwiches because CeraRachel is the queen of egg sandwich making. The first dilemma: the frying pan lid needed to melt the cheese into gooey goodness went missing.

I call my mother at her office to ask her where the heck the lid went. She had no idea, only to call me back seconds later exclaiming she remembered where the lid was.

Guess where it was?

Outside. In the back yard. What the hell?

I washed it off and dried it so we could melt the cheese onto the eggs. Soon we were met with our next problem, the English muffins were frozen solid. So was the bacon. Apparently my parents decided that to keep everything "fresh" they had to freeze them. CeraRachel and I stood and tried to pry apart the frozen bacon into strips and stab the frozen muffins in half.

This took forever.

Little did we know that there was defrosted bacon in the "fucking refrigerator." There were also defrosted English muffins in there too, damn it.

Next problem on the list was cooking the bacon. (Meanwhile our fried eggs are getting cold.)

I again called my mother in search of her wisdom of the art of cooking bacon in a microwave. These were her "explicit" instructions.

1. Pull bacon into individual strips.
2. Put bacon on the bacon pan in the microwave.
3. Put two sheets of paper towels over them.
4. Cook on high for five minutes.

CeraRachel, who was worried about the extra grease that didn't need to be in our bellies, decided to put the bacon on a paper towel, on the bacon pan. So we cooked it on high for five minutes.

And it was still raw.

Two more minutes.

Still raw.

And even two more minutes.

Still raw. (Our eggs are cold now.)

I called my mother once again, and she said the bacon had to be directly on the pan, no paper towel.

So much for following her first instruction.

So we took the bacon off of the paper towel and cooked it for two more minutes.

Finally, they were perfect.

Then we discovered that the English muffins had raisins in them. We warmed up the sandwiches so the eggs wouldn't be cold and ate them.

The raisins weren't that bad, surprisingly. They just added a hint of sweetness to our friend egg sandwiches.

Our crazy adventure did end in happiness.

The End