Longing for a blank Word document

A new document in Microsoft Word is a blank page – a fresh start. After having three boyfriends, I guess I’m determined to find a fresh start in my love-life. Yesterday was New Year’s Eve and I realised, in the middle of the night, that it’ll be an entire boyfriendless year for me in about 40 days. Yes, I am counting. I can’t say I regret having dated each of those guys, but I do regret my beginning a little bit. Sure it was a safe start, but was it the right one? Probably not. I still stayed ’friends’ with my last boyfriend, though he kind of cheated on me. But thinking back to it now, it wasn’t really cheating and it wasn’t the true reason I’d broken up with him. Him going to the movies with another girl instead of spending time, limited time at that, with me, was just the kick I needed. Sure, I was mad, though I’m not even sure at whom. Coming to think of it, our relationship just wasn’t working out. I just had to end it, but wasn’t sure how, since he truly was a nice guy. Still is, though he turned out to be a bit more violent than I would’ve expected.
Anyway. After 2 years, I finally listened to my friends and took a break. It has been the best feeling ever. The feeling of freedom. But now,I find myself in a situation where I my heart is yearning for that closeness. For someone to like me and to give me a chance. Someone to share a moonlit evening with or just go for a walk around the neighbourhood. Someone close. My dear friend told me that I need to snap out of this circle or I’ll never get to experience a good relationship. She was right. I used to be stuck in a seemingly endless circle of falling ’in love’ when I really just needed to know someone loves me. And yes, it took me 2 entire years full of ’heartbreak’ to realise that. Now, I am more at peace with myself and enjoying it. I know I’m loved, I know people care about me. Then why am I almost pleading to find my angel?
Little girls always dream of their Prince Charming riding into the sunset with them on a beautiful white horse. I did,too. Until I realised how impossible that was. I feel old. I feel like if I don’t act soon, I’ll never get a chance. Who is ’my angel’ anyway? Well, definitely not a guy with wings, though the thought of it is still awesome. Who wouldn’t want to fly? I guess I need someone to just care about how my day went; who’ll free-willingly spend time with me just because he thinks I’m a fun person to be around; someone who’s presence would take my breath away, sweep me off my feet(not literally, of course). Someone steady and safe and inspiring. WHO?!
Maybe I’m a bit loopy for believing in dreams, but don’t you ever get the feeling that sometimes your dreams are actually trying to tell you something? When you wake up and feel different, a creeping knowing-feeling inside you? I do. I have been having dreams about a boy in my class. Constantly, many nights in a row. But I don’t understand them. He has a kind of halo around him that brings him out from the rest of my classmates. I rarely have spoken to him. And I kind of like him. And I am extremely afraid of even bringing up the subject of weather with him. He makes me feel so.. so... small and unworthy of his halo. I get all the jingle bells in the pit of my stomach, my eyes pierced with his glow. Just a glance at him makes me smile, though he rarely spots me, but when he does, he smiles back. I suppose I’m just a hopeless romantic (and a typical teenage girl ) thinking that all that might actually mean something more. But perhaps it does. Who knows?
My life has been full of questions lately. Why? How? Who? When? All I have is an bottomless pit of a questionnaire and no answers to most of them. Does my family even love me? Of course they do. Am I adopted? Probably not. Why are were my parents on the edge in August? God knows why. How do I let a guy know I like him without making a complete fool out of myself? How am I supposed to know? Questions, questions, questions – nothing else. I’ve been debating with myself a lot and still haven’t found reasonable solutions. I sent my best friend a New Year’s greeting via SMS last night and she hasn’t responded. Did she do that on purpose?! I miss her a lot, though. And I don’t want to fight. I hope everything’s all right.
When I started writing today, I was almost in tears. And as I am trying to wrap things up for tonight, I am, yet again, on the edge of crying. I miss everyone. My grandma asked me earlier about what I wanted to eat. I told her I didn’t know. That I didn’t know what I wanted anymore. And I still don’t. I want something. I have a longing-feeling inside me, a feeling that something’s missing. Yet I haven’t got the slightest idea what it might be. And that makes me sad. Not knowing. My fate being in my Spirit’s hands for once and I can’t have a decent revelation so I could figure it out on my own. Whoever you are, where-ever you are – I miss you! Please let me know if you miss me, too! I need to know. Soon. Please hear me.