Day 35

I can't even believe how many days have gone by. It took me two weeks to take the banner off my phone that said "my boyfriend is special" (in Italian) It also took me two weeks to take his picture off the background of my phone. Horrible. I wouldn't look at my phone to see his face, I just didn't want to believe it really happened and so for those two weeks I left it on my phone.

Due to his work schedule he would wake up around the time I started class - on my first day back in the dark room, it had been the second day that we were broken up, I kept picking up my phone to see if he texted me. I was forgetting that we weren't dating anymore. I used to get texts telling me he just woke up, asking me how class was going, how are my pictures coming, and five times that day I picked up my phone to check why he wasn't sending me a message yet, and every time I had to remind myself that he broke up with me.

That day in the darkroom I couldn't function, a friend of mine was texting me asking me why the one thing I loved so much wasn't making me happy, and i explained that it reminded me of him. We used to do photography together. There is no escaping him. I was crying while developing my prints. A good friend of mine from class was trying to crack jokes all day, telling me she would be my boyfriend and she loved me, I laughed for her and appreciated her effort to lift my spirits but I explained that I was too far gone.

For two weeks straight every night I had at least one dream about him, all different from the ones the nights before. Dreams of him breaking up with me again, dreams of him asking me back out, of us actually hanging out again - but this time as just friends & then there was the dreams that I'm not even sure how they made sense, but they were still about him. I couldn't even escape him in my sleep. No one I talked to was able to understand the pain I was going through, I cried about almost everything, food in my house reminded me of him, my room reeked of him. Explaining to people that I was upset was no use, I would get all the same from everyone advice wise.

"He was your first real boyfriend" "you'll find someone else" "someone else will make you happy" "he didn't deserve you, you deserve better" "you're too young, did you think you'd marry him?"

These lines were used so many times, that I think if i were to be told them again right now I'd smack whomever' mouth it came out of.

Last night I became overly upset about a status I saw from him on his facebook. My friend tells me they're lyrics to a song from his favorite band, and I said I understand that but he wrote it, and I felt like he was trying to share his joy of finding a new girl who's smile brightens up the room. Needless to say I'm devastated. He's everywhere!

Everyone says I need to try and get over him, i need to be happy without him, and that will show that I'm better off, don't let him see you're upset that makes you seem weak, and dependent. Oh! I'm sorry guys I have an on - off switch where I could just become merry all of a sudden!

He bought me a Black Parade mask, that a favorite band of mine made, and I never bought one, so now I can't break or throw it out, because it's from my favorite band. When they're new album came out we were still together, and even though I was becoming mad at him for always seeing his friends and never giving me the time of day, a few songs on their album that I deem as love songs, I would sing with him in mind and a smile on my face. Now I wish the album never came out, because I don't want to hear those songs anymore. I'm desperately trying to keep him away from those songs because he can not destroy my favorite band - but it's just so difficult.

My first concert in a while for that band was just a few days after we broke up and I can honestly say i've never felt depressed at a show, but this one was horrific. I was completely destroyed. And the one song I didn't need to hear, they played, and as I sang, swayed with the crowd and bounced all over, I cried.

Yesterday was his birthday and for his last two birthdays I threw him a party. Two years ago we weren't going out, the second one we were. This year I was hoping his birthday was fucking awful, and maybe he'd get hit by a car. My friend waned me that dates were going to be the death of me, but it seems like so much more than that. I can't even see myself beginning to be happy again, it took me so long to be comfortable with him, I was so depressed before him, he made my world and now he took it away and the worst is I feel like he threw me away as if I were trash as if I never meant anything to him. That night it was hard for him to say what he was trying to do, but the day after I immediately felt like he was over me. How come I feel so miserable, and he's fine? It's completely unfair.