Loneliness

For the New Year, i have told myself that all i am going to focus on is myself. That everybody else's feelings wont be on my mind. I need to figure out who i am and try to be truly happy. Its not that easy though. Not when you are doing it all by yourself.

Ever since I was ten years old, ive felt that i don't belong anywhere, not even with my own family. My parents were always taking my brothers to basketball games and taekwondo tournaments, while i stayed with my grandma. Sure, my grandma would take me to town to go shopping, but it wasnt the same as spending time with my parents like my brothers did. I wasnt into the same things as the rest of my family. They were into sports and i was into reading. So i would be the one who they left behind. It may have seemed like nothing then, but it has brought me to a downward spiral in my life.

My family doesnt really go out to special stuff like we used to due to a lack of money. So I guess there is no reason to feel like an outcast anymore. Not true. In a room of crowded people, i am alone. I dont belong anywhere. I have friends, but they dont get me. We dont like the same kind of music, which is one of the things i look for in a friend because music means so much to me. They are always complaining about how much bullshit they are going through in their lives. They must think im not going through anything in my life. Boy are they wrong. I dont have anyone. No one to tell me that im gonna be ok and things will get better. No one to just hold me and let me ruin their shirt because of my tears. Nothing. More than anything in this world, i want to be happy. I want to feel like im not all alone in this world anymore. That's all I want. Why can't i have that?