Day 36

Today I'm working on the project I'm supposed to do for my darkroom class. Before i went on break we had portfolio reviews, my teacher told me to do a project on my ex. She said I had to photograph all the stuff I had from him, things he gave me, things i have of his, etc. Then on top of that I have to go and photograph all the spots that have significance to us.

Right now I'm doing the leg work to my project. It's 2am and I'm sitting here gathering all of the stuff I have from him. I can't ignore the fact that I want to puke, but I was ding okay until I came across a card that said I Love You. I don't even want to open it. I got so sick, and I sat on my floor in a hysteric fit of tears. Then, enjoying the pain, I decided I'd open the card to find it said

"I don't know how you stayed with me this long, but im glad you did I LOVE YOU - fishy "

I hate my teacher for telling me to do this as my assignment over the break. I did all the pictures of all the stuff I saved this morning and now I feel sick to my stomach. I put everything in a box except for that card, because the next half of my project is to go to all places that have significance to me because of him. What I'm going to do is photograph that card in all the places, then photograph it without the card. She wants me to show hate, anger, sadness - the works. I'll be doing this project with my brother tomorrow before work; definitely not a good idea.

Then i was on the computer and as if I haven't been sinking enough I decided to see if this bitch liked him and low and behold - she was one of the first people to wish him a happy birthday a few days ago with a shit ton of hearts, his reply back was, thank you <3

I used to send him hearts on his birthday, and be the first one to tell him. I threw him a party two years in a row for it. The first time being a complete surprise because we weren't going out yet, I baked him a cake and everything! Then the next year the same thing a birthday party with balloons and a cake! This year, I get to sit and watch this bitch wish him a happy birthday while she, obviously takes my place.

Here's a big slap in the face. It's been a month and I'm being replaced already! Congrats Nikki, you meant absolutely nothing and the last two years you spent with this kid, obviously meant jack fucking shit! How does that make you feel?! I was in my room, from 2am to 6am crying, just crying, crying, crying. I really just want this to end, and nothing anybody says to me has been helping and the day just started. Let's see what else can cause me to feel awfully depressed.

Around 5 o'clock a commented on a friend's status, and he "liked" what I said, is it strange that it made me furious? I don't want him liking anything I say unless I write I Love tommy, and he likes it and replies he likes me. other than that I don't want him to comment on anything of mine. He's made it obvious that I meant shit with him letting his friends say I'm a bitch that ruined his life and not defending me, liking a girl already (which of course is speculation because I'm not truly positive) but I'm also not stupid, and it smells like flirting.

Want to hear something funny? The other night my friend calls me, and says she got a message from that bastard on facebook and doesn't want to read it until I get to her house. So I walk the long miles to her house - she lives across the street - and we open the message. For a second I thought to myself, wouldn't it be wonderful if he wrote to her that he wanted to talk to me, or wanted me back and wanted to tell my friend first or some shit like that. Then negative nancy jumps in, and I say well why the hell would that be the message nikki?! The message will probably say I need to give her something she left at my house can I bring it to you, or he would tell her that the message she sent is stupid. Because she did send him a message to which he was replying to.

In her message to him she wrote how he was being selfish and immature. He was letting his friends call me a bitch, letting them say I was the reason his life was shitty, I made him different and he was letting it happen. He didn't at least defend me and say that I wasn't a bitch or that he did actually love me, but not anymore - nothing like that. So she told him that was pathetic and immature. She told him that we went out for two years, and that it was childish to treat me like shit and let everyone hate on me, when i did nothing wrong. in fact I'm the one he broke up with, people should feel bad for me, not insult me. He's the one who's happy not me so why is everyone on his side as if he got the shitty end of the stick?

But when he replied to her message it had nothing to do with what she said to him. He simply said to her that he was sorry for not getting back to her sooner, that he missed hanging out and that they needed to hang out soon. What the fuck? Someone tell me, how you could by pass that whole message completely ignore it, and then ask MY BEST FRIEND to hang out?

Needless to say once again, it was a horrible day. The only plus side was seeing one of my friends and buying an expansion pack for my sims game. I go through mood swings everyday now. I go from being completely depressed and suicidal, to trying to be content and positive, then back to being angry, positive, angry, positive, and then back to being upset again.

Could day 37 possibly be a good day?