DEATH and RUNNING AWAY

Recently death has been on my mind alot as in it is continuously there. Ive realised that no matter how hard you try you can't run away from any of your problems.
No matter how many times you
THINK about It
TALK about It
CUT about It
CRY about It
SCREAM about It
IT always remains.
Also once you die you just go to another shitty place. I believe in heaven and hell and therefore I have come to the conclusion:- If you live a shitty fucked up life your just gonna die and go to another shitty fucked up life because you need to make up for being a shitty fucked up person on earth and if your a goody good person on earth you'll just go to heaven end of story.
So as a result being good does pay off but being good is so fucking hard and by being good I don't mean being all smiley and charitable I mean actually being good like not disrespecting, and not being blasphemous and not cheating and lying and stuff like that.
I'm not a good person and I know that but sometimes I just wish I could change and be an actual good person who doesn't fuck up everything she does. I do try to be a good daughter and person but lying and being a bitch has now become the fabric that makes me.
And anyways it's not as if I lie and cheat so that I can be the real me I lie and cheat to hide the real monster that lives within me.
I wish I could follow the rule of Alister Crowley
Do As Thou Wilt
And me just saying I want to do what I fucking want is extremely blasphemous.
I wish death would solve all my problems but all it will do is open the door to a thousand more.
Peace
AJ