It doesn't happen often, I have to admit. I'm rather easy-going, I try not to let things get to me. I try and talk things out and see the other person's point of view, but today I couldn't help but get slightly upset. I guess it's because it's to do with something that affects me deeply, and also because the person didn't actually have a valid reason for their argument. It was just a case of, "That's what I think." Yes, but why do you think that? "I just do."
Anyway, I'll stop with the pre-ranting and tell you what's going on. As many people on Mibba who know me well are already aware, I'm on anti-depressants. It's not something I'm ashamed of and it's not something I believe others should be ashamed of. However, what gets me is some people's attitude towards medication for mental illnesses.
Now, I was guilty of this myself. Before I went into therapy I was of the opinion that I didn't need some person in a suit sitting behind a desk and nodding while he or she made assumtpions about me, before throwing me on some pills that would turn me into a brainless zombie. However, as anyone who has been into therapy realizes, it's not exactly like that, and I can put my hand on my heart and swear sincerely that if it wasn't for my medication I would have killed myself when I was seventeen.
So, I have this friend, who I won't name for obvious reasons. It's no one on Mibba, it's someone somewhere completely seperate. Anyway, the thing is, he's not exactly right in the head. He suffers from depression and paranoia, as well as hallucinations, which is all the same sort of thing I was suffering from before I got help. The thing is with these symptoms is that they don't go away. I thought they would when I suffered from them, but no, they just got worse and before I knew it, I was a shell of the person I used to be. The thing is, he still has the opinion that I used to have and, unlike me, he's refusing to even consider getting help.
That's not why I'm offended, though; I know exactly what that feeling is like. It's his attitude regarding medication that annoys me. He knows I'm on meds and yet he still said that he didn't want to become some "drooling zombie who isn't even themself anymore and doesn't have a f*ck what's going on around them."
Obviously, I was a little put out, and asked him if he actually remembered I was on medication, and I was even more offended when he said he did. "So," I said, trying not to get annoyed. "By that logic, I don't know who I am and I'm doped up on drugs so I'm a zombie, yeah?"
I think that's kind of when he realized he was skating on very thin ice (it takes a lot to annoy me but when you do, you certainly know about it.) and he just said that he was scared because it wouldn't be him if he was on the meds, to which I replied with something I've worked out myself.
It would be hard to explain using my exact words, so I'll sum it up here. Mental illness causes chemicals in your brain to misfire. That's the simple explanation for it. Obviously it's a lot more complex than that, but for the purposes of this explanation it's been dumbed down. Anyway, these chemicals misfire and they cause you to change. You become depressed, or you think you're fat, or you think everyone is out to get you, or you see things that aren't there. Now, think about it. Before you got ill, did you feel like that? Did you hate yourself? Did you look in the mirror and see fat? Did you think your own parents were plotting against you? I'll bet you didn't.
So, it's the mental illness that makes you, not you, and it's the medication that restores the natural chemical balance and makes you act like you again. So, really, as I explained to my friend, it's the complete opposite to what he believes. He thinks the meds are changing him completely when in actual fact, they're bringing him back to normal. As I reminded him, if the meds were the bad guys, how come you can come off of them when you're better and still be fine?
I don't know, I guess I just really hate it when people have the old stigma of mental illness and medication and mental hospitals. I spent time in a mental hospital and there were no straightjackets, no screaming, drooling patients, no one rocking back and forth and muttering. That's all movies. It does happen occasionally, but it's incredibly rare.
Gah. Perhaps one day people will stop being so judgmental of it all. As I say to people who are ashamed of having a mental illness: "You're just ill. It doesn't make it taboo that you can't physically see the symptoms. Would you get ashamed if you had a cold?"
Off to go and chill out,
xx Fionnuala xx
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