Entry #1

I've never been good at naming things. Anyways, I'm typing this at 2:13 AM PST, January 10th, 2011, and I'll be dividing this Entry into... let's say, 3 parts. I'm pretty sure no one is like this, but I might as well try.

Part number one: Writing.

I've been writing for a long time, however I don't think my writing fits into any of the categories here, so I'm having to go through all of my good writing, so pretty much the past two years, and having to convert it to a story format. See, what I write is pretty much about how if key events in the world history turned out differently, politically, culturally, etc. For example, if JFK was never assassinated, or if Napoleon had won at Waterloo (I'm a history nerd). Now, some of these are somewhat easy in comparison to the rest to change to a story. But some of them, you just hit a brick wall. However, defeat has never been something I could accept, thinking for hours on how to change it into a story, ignoring all the others I have to figure out this one. The one that I've been having the most problem with is if Operation Long Jump was successful. I'll explain it quickly for people who don't know what that is.

Operation Long Jump was a planned assassination attempt from Nazi Germany to kill the "Big Three" Allied leaders (FDR, Churchill, and Stalin). The plot was foiled by Soviet Intelligence that had infiltrated the Nazi's ranks.

Now, you're probably thinking, "Well, that seems simple enough. The repercussions would be enormous!". That's exactly my problem. There are so many possibilities for what would've happened, and I don't know where to start. There's also such a tiny amount of info on the Operation that I can't really make a character out of anyone involved. I suppose I'll figure it out eventually.

Giant change of subject here, to part number two: Fears and Insecurity.

Now we all have our fears, whether it be spiders, heights, the dark, or anything you can think of. However, some people have their much more odd fears, including mine of rejection. And I don't just mean like asking a girl out rejection, although that one is part of it, it's any kind of rejection whatsoever. Not getting a job, failing a test at school, as I said before, not getting a girl when I ask one out, the list can go on and on. I simply can't handle it. I'll sink into a giant fit of depression for weeks, and I'll feel like I'm incapable of anything. This then turns it into essentially a giant vicious circle, what with being a perfectionist, which often causes me to be late with things, thus failing them and being rejected. It started when I was 9, and it was slowly getting better over time, however, as soon as I hit high school, they got incredibly worse. The bar was set so high for myself because of how I did in grade 6 and 7, and I wanted to meet them because of my need to make people happy, but I never could. This has caused me to nearly fail classes as well, so I know it's having an actual effect on my life. I've always wanted it to change, but I never can, as the bar is always being set higher for myself as I get older. This leads me on into my insecurities.

See, I know that since I can't meet the expectations, there are people judging me over it, and I can't take it. I've always practically obsessed over trying to get people to know me, accept me for who I am, and not judge me. Such a naive hope for someone in high school, but I can't give it up. This then weaves in with the fear I talked about above, because it usually ends with me failing, or just not being able to bring myself to try, and I give up, going back into the depression, which I get judged for, and so on. And it doesn't help it at all that I have a friend who is essentially a superior version of myself. He does everything better, is more popular, has always had the company of better people, has a good paying job and good girlfriend, two things I've never been able to get but have always longed for. It just makes me feel inferior and useless.

I swear, my flaws will end up being the death and failure of myself.

Part number three: Video Games, Internet, etc. (This, again, kind of weaves in with part two above)

Video Games and the internet have essentially become my sanctuary and my true home, as I can most of the time find places where I'll be accepted for who I am and not judged. Mibba is a perfect example, I've been given a wonderful welcome and have met great people, however I'm not sure if it's just because I'm a guy or not. >.> Anyways, this is kind of a quick part, pretty much just me inviting any of the people on here with an Xbox or Steam if they'd like to play sometime. =D

Anyways, this is my first entry, and maybe it'll be successful. Who knows. Finished at 2:59 AM PST, January 10th, 2011.

~Brynn