Just when I thought I was piecing myself back together...

...I seem to be being torn apart again.

So, I got into Chemistry Honors, no questions asked by my Biology teacher. He didn't even consult me, he's just like, -cicles- "Op, I bet you were thinking this!" -signs and walks away- ...okay.

So now all that's left is History. I have no clue what the fuck I want to do. I'm worried AP US History might be too much for me, but then I feel that if I just go into regular honors US History, I won't be living up to my full potential if I actually am able to take the AP course. I feel that it may be a lot of work, but he gives us time to do it. And if I stop procrastinating I can actually fucking succeed.

You know, I don't even know myself anymore. It might not even be because I want to "live up to my potential." It's just that, school's really the only thing I have to be proud of. My A's are proof of my hard work and late night studying and they're also proof that I'm good at something. Sure, my friends say I'm good at writing, but when's the last time I got any comments or feedback by someone that wouldn't be bias? Oh wait, that would be about 6th grade? When I wrote Jonas fanfiction... -smh-

My friend Lea says that I have to put myself out there so I can get readers. I put my story on multiple websites. It's easy for her to say though, she's popular on almost every website she goes on.

You see, school is what makes me feel like I'm actually good at something. But at the same time it makes me feel like I'm not. For once I want to be the best at something, but it's never me. Whether it be in the eyes of a boy I admire, or writing, or schoolwork there's always someone better.

And that is what makes me feel worthless.

I don't know I'm just rambling right now.

Next year, especially if I take AP, I'm taking a stress management course AND having therapy.
January 11th, 2011 at 09:41pm