Personal Hell

I found this note in one of my notebooks, and I must have wrote it when I was really down in the dumps or super pissed off... But here we go,

I wish these feelings didn't exist... They leave me feeling sick to my stomach. The self hate, the disgust, the self-loathing... I'm so uncomfortable in my own body... He calls me pretty and beautiful, but all I see is this hideous monster staring back at me in the mirror. I'm too fat, my personality is shit. I'm a worthless waste of space and air. I've been sitting and contemplating suicide... it's so easy. No one wants me.. I'm so broken. It only takes a quick flick of my wrist with my fingers holding a razor to make the pain thud and my arms bleed. Watching the blood slowly ooze out, reminding me why I hate it.. Why I hate myself. Everyone thinks I'm fine... Only those few know the truth. I'm so lost in myself. I thought I'd been getting better, but I guess I've only gotten worse. They keep telling me God is real...is he? I don't know anymore. If he was, I'd try and figure this out. I hate being like this. I end up pushing everyone away... Sometimes I feel bad that they know who I am... I've done nothing but ruin their lives... I'm so lost that I can't even cry. I'm so far gone that I can't even muster up one lousy tear. I have none left, I've cried them all out. I'm an ugly person. A monster lurking in the darkness...

I want anyone who reads this to know, that I'm still alive. Depression is not a joke, and cutting is never the answer. Cutting is something that I'm still struggling with, but I haven't resorted to self-harm in almost a year. There is always someone there who loves you, and wants you. You are a beautiful person, and if you're feeling anything like that note, then please seek help. I can tell you from my own personal experience that cutting is not the answer. It only leaves a scar, which is a reminder of the bad. I know it feels like you're in control, and that it gives you a sick high, but theres a point where it becomes too much...