Hot Mess.

Okay, so this is a way to vent out my feelings more than anything. If I say something to offend I'm sorry. Truly.

Boys. More specifically the ones at my school. I mean really, I didn't think it was possible to be so two faced. Like my exes: one minute it's "I really like you" then the next it's "I want her instead, sorry." Am I really that terrible? Because that's how you make me feel. You say you like me so much and yet when we date I put in all the effort. Was I too real for you? Is it because I'm actually working for my future? It's always something though. And it's always me. Never you.
You'd think when they find out how self conscious I am that they'd be a bit nicer on the jokes. Don't get me wrong, I can take a joke. But when they keep going on about how I'm big and huge. What part of "Severely self conscious" is hard to understand? Half the crap they go on and on about is enough to put me in a state of depression or make me develop a complex. Then when I become upset and make it known they pull the victim card and make me feel even worse about myself. It's a cycle I have to put up with. Sadly.
I hate how I can never truly be myself. I've actually had someone break up with me because we never talked. Okay? When I talk I get hyper. And when I'm hyper I'm myself. Last time I was myself around him he looked at me funny and said "Wow." So I stopped being myself, which meant I stopped talking. I thought you liked sitting in silence? Oh, wait. I forgot that you do, but only when it keeps me from talking. Thanks.
Then there's the ex that apparently loves me still. Yeah, right. If you love me then you wouldn't be such a jerk. You wouldn't be taking another girl to formal. And I'm sure you wouldn't laugh with your friends as I walk by because you know I'm hurting. I wish I didn't love you.
I'm tired of always being good enough until you find someone better. Do I have "TEMP" across my forehead? No, nor do I have "SLUT" either.
Which brings me to you. The little pervert who thinks I'll just send you half naked pictures of myself because we talked once and I think you're cute. Sorry kid. I'm not like that. Why can't people take no for an answer and get over it? I must have told you twenty times that I wouldn't send you anything, yet you kept asking. Wow. Pitiful.
Now, I'm not the best conversationalist but I'm pretty sure I'm not so boring you stop talking to me after like two comments. Yeah, that makes me feel better about myself. Thank you so much.
And why is it that when guys leave me, they leave me for the ugliest girls? And I'm talking personality too. The only thought that runs through my mind is "I'm not good enough. Even she's more desirable than me." It hurts. Really.
I know that this is all scattered and random, but it's all my thoughts and problems put together. I dont mean to sound like I'm whining or anything but I need to vent to get over things and right now my friends aren't there. I'm not faking and being a drama queen. This is real stuff. My real feelings and pain. I have OCD, bipolarity, and an inferiority complex. All that put together is one big mess. Yeah, that's me. The mess. :/
Have you ever felf like everyone you care for and depend on is drifting away from you in twos? I do. I have two friends left, (not counting my best friend that I'm in love with) and they even told me they're sick of hearing my drama. I thought friends were supposed to comfort you? And I thought you only tell a girl you love her if you actually do love her? Not "I've loved you for three years now. You're amazing. I still love you." And make all the feelings I've buried for you come to the surface before adding "But only as a friend. (:" Now all those emotions are out and I can't bury them again. Thank you for causing me more pain.
That's all it is now. Pain. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of all the confusion and drama. I want to meet someone that loves me for me. And just me. Not me and her. Just me. I want friends that stay true. That listen to my problems and give me advice like I always do for everyone else. It feels as if I'm always giving away love and yet, never recieving any. I'm starting to run out; I feel empty. :(