Is It Bad?

Is it bad that every time I close my eyes I see my Aunt dying? I see her curled up in that hospital bed, with that stupid oxygen mask strapped over her mouth. I can barely sleep, my head hurts and I feel like throwing up a lot.

Yesterday was her funeral, and that itself was hard. I would have been okay, I didn’t think I was going to cry, but when they closed that casket my grandmother lost it. She started bawling and saying “Oh God, Jeanie.” Over and over again. I can’t stop hearing her voice say that. My mother started crying next to me, and couldn’t let go of my hand the entire time. That’s what made me cry, is knowing that they were so close to her, and now she’s gone.

I don’t know how I’m going to be able to handle someone that close to me dying. They were both so strong. I couldn’t even go to her house after the funeral. I couldn’t stand to think that she wasn’t going to be there, because she died. It’s not like when we went there while she was in the hospital, there was a slight chance she could come back from that. No, she’ll never be in that house again.

It’s hard, losing someone you love, even though she wasn’t that close to me. I watched as she died, I saw her go from that talkative lady to the stranger with an oxygen mask on a morphine drip.

But I am happy that I was there for her. She had a lot of family who came to see her in the hospital and the hospice. That she didn’t have to be alone as her body shut down. I’m thankful knowing that I’ll have friends who will be there for me, and I’ll be there for them too. It just sucks, knowing that it’ll happen some day.

I love you Auntie Jean. May you rest in peace.