For Nothing

I'll never truly understand what I did to deserve this. My whole life I've never done anything wrong, I kept my head down, I did what I was told and always stayed true to myself.
Nobody may know it, but I was close to dying before he came around. I wasn't handling life well anymore, breathing and waking up was becoming increasingly difficult and depressing. I'd look around at everyone being happy and wonder why no one was out there for me.

I knew I was different, I knew I'd be a handful and I was aware of everything about myself not being the ideal type someone, besides a family, would want to love. The feelings I had toward myself were nothing short of horrifying. It's painful to realize that before him I was nothing, then out of the blue he appeared in shining fucking armor. He knew who I was, I didn't hide anything from him and yet it still seemed like he enjoyed me.

I must've caught a break from someone because it was all too good to be true. I was a bit of a bitch for not knowing that I truly wanted him, but when I did finally give in, forgoing all the insecurities I had towards the situation, my life changed. My new found feelings were overwhelmingly indescribable. That's how I came to see that I was experiencing love.

But what happens when the rug is ripped out from under you? What did I do to deserve that? I gave it my best, which wasn't hard because I loved him. I was there through the worst of times and under appreciated for all of it.

Thrown away like the trash I felt I was before I met him. It's gut wrenching, the feeling I get when his name is mentioned. I can't be happy yet, though my friends have tried their best. I even gave it a shot and tried to like someone else but that made the feelings worse. It was at that point when I felt how pigeon holed I've become. Apparently I wasn't even worthy enough for an explanation.

And after all I went through that night, I was still being treated like shit; Ignored by those who knew me, by the family and that's needless to say immature at best on various levels. I was indirectly told I was a bitch and that I ruined his life.

I'm sure I ruined his life, you're right whoever you are. I was driving, I was the sickness, I was those tests. Everything was me. In fact never did I stay by his side through any of it.

Imagine that! I ruined his life. Someone had the balls to say that, god forbid it was the other way around and it was he who ruined me. No, that's not plausible right?

All I did was bring up something, something mature, something that everyone I knew was able to see, but everyone he knew was obviously blind. I opened my mouth. I got upset, and is this the result? I can't even begin to list the things I've done that seemingly mean nothing, and I'm sure someone else will come along and take my place.

Nearly two years gone, two years where I was happy. Two years where I couldn't imagine my life with anyone else. Two years of my life gone to the answer of our long standing fight to "I love you more" It was me. Now I look at the next two years ahead of me for what seems to be the biggest downfall I've ever faced and it's all thanks to the person who saved me, and then buried me.