Ranting and Raveing

A week ago everything was okay, hell, I was okay. I wasn’t having nightmares I was actually sleeping at night. My shoulder stopped hurting. (For some unknown reason) I even officially published my poem book “the silence is deafening” I mean real book published it. I was okay. My friends were my friends I couldn’t control them. But I was learning to cope with their bull-crap. I was doing fine.

But in the last week, things have happened. Things that I’m scared that if I admit openenly that I would end up reliving. No it’s not life threatening its just personally scary. My older brother, the one I’ve secretly looked up to four years did something really bad, I don’t know what. He won’t tell me! Jake and I have been closer then close since I was 5 and he feels he can’t tell me what he’s gone and done! I heard him talking to my older sister Deborah over the phone. She told him that we can’t give him 11 hundred dollars, that he shouldn’t pay blank blank (don’t know who) because it they could use that against him, and that he should tell the parents (there dad and my mom) they won’t disown him. I’m freaking out! He won’t tell me, everyone is hush hush about it, he has to get 11 hundred dollars to some chick, and he’s worried about being disowned. What the hell is going on?!
Then all my friends crap is loaded down on me, I have been referred to (by many people) as their freaking human diary. I’m not kidding! I wish I were! They laugh at my flaws, not like how friends do. But like twisted people who jab, jab, jab until there is just nothing left to jab!
I have felt my emotions come and go, numb and dull the pain but they come back making it so much worse. I feel trapped in my own body sometimes. I want to escape but I can’t. My own mind captures and tortures me. I feel like I’m going insane! Like there’s a tic inside my brain and it’s clawing at me, making me angry, sad, confused, worthless, and sorry. Sometimes I can’t even think!

I get so sick that I can’t breathe; my body is waging a war against itself. Be healthy or be sick, be sick or be healthy. My body can’t make up its own mind! I’m either really sick or really healthy. Like right now, I’m really sick, my throat is sore like I’ve been swallowing nails for breakfast, but in reality I’ve just been coughing. My nose is plugged, probably from the disgusting mucus…. Sorry that was too much info huh. Sorry.
But none of this matters. I’m too concerned for what others think of me, I have become their puppet. Rachel do this, Rachel do that, Rachel will you do the house work? Rachel will you put everything on hold just to hear me moan and groan about my perfect life? Rachel I know your sick and you hurt everywhere but will you stop being miserable and do my math homework? Rachel, Rachel, Rachel! It drives me insane! I’m going insane! My sister even called me the world’s puppet this afternoon. Yea awesome right? Not a day goes by without an insult thrown my way. Even by my own family.

To be seemingly honest. I can’t believe I posted this. I mean no offense but I’m usually too concerned to not hurt someone’s feelings. Although always in the end mine get trampled on in the end, I’m surprised they’re still there! And don’t tell me to tell someone about this. If I had someone to tell this wouldn’t be on here.

Thanks for reading my rants and raves. For the record for some old reason I am happy. I do (frequently) have my moments. But I am in the end happy. I think it’s because I escape here. To Mibba, and Quizilla, and my many books, and to my stories and poems.