Note: These aren't all the people I've lost, just the one's I'm still struggling to let go of.
***
Beppe (great grandma):
You left me, when I was five. I shouldn't remember you as much as I do, but I can still remember going from church to the hospital to visit you. I didn't know you were dying, I didn't know a lot at the time. But I remembered you always had chocolates for us kids, the chocolate coins unless it was a special occasion. I can remember sitting on the bed beside you and smiling up at you, I can remember a lot.
I can even remember the day Mom told me you were dead. I was standing at the end of her bed while she was getting dressed, and I can remember wanting to go with her. She looked down at me though and told me that I couldn't because little girls are too young to go to funerals. I didn't know what a funeral was, I just knew you would be there, so I wanted to go. I tried arguing with her, but she said that even if I went I wouldn't see you, because you were up in heaven. I knew that's where God lived, along with Jesus and all the angels, but I didn't know you had to be dead to go there. I asked if we could visit you later, and she told me I'd never get to see you again, because you were dead. I cried and cried, I felt hopeless and lost.
I was only five and I'd already lost my best friend. It was pretty hard, and even after all these years, I still haven't let you go. My brother and Dad would tell me to get over you, and I'd cry. They couldn't understand the pain I felt; no one could. It was like I couldn't smile anymore. I was a shell that your death and the memories had left behind.
I can't live like that anymore though, Beppe. I love you so much, but I need to move on. I'll always keep you in my heart, but you've been gone for almost eleven years now, and I still sleep with the bunny you gave me. It's a little pathetic.
Ik hou van je, tot ziens <3
***
Grandpa Ernie:
You really don't deserve my tears, not a single one. I don't know why you were never there. You just never cared, I guess. I'm not even sure why it hurts, but it does. I always said I hated you, mostly because you were never there, and even though you were across the road and five doors down so many times visiting them, you never once, came to see us, or even tried. I guess I said I hated you, because I was angry with you. But, I don't hate you, and I don't think I really ever did.
The first time I remember ever seeing you, I went with my grandma and Anthony to go see your mom for her birthday. She was over a hundred, I must have been in at least grade five, and not once before then, had I ever seen you. And that's really sad, considering you came down for most holidays, especially Christmas, and stayed so close. Yet, I never once saw you. Try explaining that to me. Or try explaining how, even though my father is your son, and my brother and I are your grandchildren, we never once received a phone call from you, or even a card. You weren't sick in the hospital or anything, so why did you completely cut my family out of your life?
All I can ever remember when my family brought you up, was feeling so much anger and resentment for you, yet, you'd never know about that. You didn't care. But guess what? Even though you didn't care about me or my family, I can't help but be sad now, and care. Your dead. I saw you twice in my whole life.
Au revoir, je t'aime, toujours
***
Grandpa Alec:
The only time I ever saw you, I was a little girl, too little to remember much but your toothless smile, and the raw meat. That's really all I can remember. My mom and dad kept me away from you guys, and I don't know why. It never bothered me though, because you never cared anyways. You weren't a nice man, and I had a lot of sore feelings towards you.
You've only been dead for a few months. Do you know what's the sickest thing though? I hated everything you ever did, so much, that when I found out your only good lung had lung cancer I said "good". I hate myself for it to this day. I was happy you were dying. I didn't care, you were an asshole, why should you live? I was wrong though. About everything. I love you. I loved you then. I'll never get to know why you didn't care, and you'll never get to know how much you've hurt my family. I miss you though.
Auf Wiedersehen, ich liebe dich
***
Sam:
Every one is always talking about how they miss you, and it bothers me. Why do they miss you? Why do I miss you! We all say the same things "we miss you" "rest in peace" "wish you were here" "I love you", after a while, it stops meaning so much...
I'm not saying those words aren't true, I do miss you, I do love you, I do wish you were here, and I hope you're in peace, but I have something else I want to say. Thank you.
Thank you for being a great friend.
Thank you for being you.
Thank you for everything
Everything except dying.
I'll always miss you Sam, always...
but...it's almost been eight months...
All I can do is write the same words in different form on your page, and fill you in on all the drama, what's the point?
That's what I'm going to do, because everyone else around me (ie, Courtney and Jesse) are moving on with their lives, they may not think they are, but they are. Whereas I haven't. I sit here and watch that video Jo(e?) made of you after you died... and I cry. I haven't moved on, but today I'm going to take that first step.
I'm going to smile when I think of you instead of cry
I'm going to cherish the memories and conversations we had, not want them back.
I'm going to let you go, so I can continue living.
I hope I'll see you again, Sammy...
I really miss you, I hope you know that.
Te quiero, adiós