A lot has changed since I last wrote a journal entry on Mibba. I've moved to Pennsylvania (Not sure if I ever mentioned that) due to an unfortunate electrical fire. I've graduated high school, got my license, gone to college, done an internship with Disney and probably had a dozen or so of life's twist. I'm writing now because I miss writing, plus I think in the steps I'm about to take with my life it's going to be critically important that I have an outlet for my thoughts and emotions.
What steps could I be taking now in comparison to some of the definite life changing events I listed in the previous paragraph, is probably what your thinking right now. Well I'm planing on quitting college and moving back to NY. That right there would seem stupid to many so I'll explain my decision.
In the decision of moving to Pennsylvania after my house burnt down I played a key role. It was after all the middle of my Junior year of high school and I had in fact found the fire in my house which made the difference in all of us getting out Scott free and what could have happened. I agreed to move because my family was, is and has been going through a tough financial time for the last hmmmm 20 years. Basically when you get down to facts the cost of living in the Poconos is drastically less than it is to live on Long Island. I have a younger brother and sister to think about and my mom was most definitely at her breaking point so I agreed to move.
I stand by that decision because although it killed me to leave my city behind which I love to death and my friends and my school and my everything I knew it was the right thing for my family. My mistakes come after I made the choice.
During my senior year I failed to get accepted to F.I.T which broke my heart, but I got into St. John's, SUNY New Platz and a couple of other schools. I could have returned back to NY only a year and a half after leaving it. However my grandfather made me an offer I couldn't refuse saying he'd buy me a car if I stayed in state for two years. I decided to go to my community school the Northampton Community college and was originally very excited about my choice. I later came to find the car wasn't worth it.
After attending my first semester there, actually that's a lie after the first month at the school I already wanted out. So, I applied for the aforementioned Disney internship which would take me to Florida for a semester hoping to be accepted claiming it was a great resume booster but really hoping that after a semester off I would return to school with a new point of view. The experience in Florida was amazing and I recommend it to all however a couple of things resulted in that experience. The first being I went from a fairly casual smoker to a full time Pothead and my cigarette consumption quadrupled.
The attempt failed miserably I could barely bring myself to class last semester I didn't for the month of October actually. An outside of school my personality and attitude took a hit. I hadn't even noticed it did for a long time although people occasionally pointed it out. I probably should have realized when I stopped writing on Mibba and in my journals and basically at all that something wasn't right. I've been keeping journals for years literally for over a decade and I stopped without even realizing it.
Then about a week ago I got into a fight with my brother A really nasty one and he shouted something at me that hit a wound I hadn't even realized I had. He said "Why are you even here? You HATE it here! Why do you keep making yourself stay" and at the point in time I didn't really think about it farther then It hurt me. In hindsight however I'm really thankful he said that because It made me realize why am I forcing myself to stay here. I got blamed for which is typical in my family they don't call me Katiedid for nothing. It didn't sit well with me at all that I got blamed for something which I didn't start (for once) so I called my older sister Jessie for moral support. When people tell you nobody knows you like your siblings their absolutely right, because I got hit with a second dose of realization from her. She pointed out to me that I'd changed she told me I was harder and colder then I used to be. She told me "Katie, it's obvious your hurting, and I think you show it as anger rather then how you really feel."
I feel really weird saying this now but to be honest I hadn't even realized I was hurting until she told me I was. I hadn't really cried about any of the things that had happened. Other than my grandmother's passing I hadn't really cried at all in the last three years. When she said that to me I broke down for the first time in a long time I just cried and cried until I feel asleep from exhaustion. When I woke up later I felt a little better but things still weren't quite right yet I still had an ache in my chest the same on I have as I write this journal entry now.
The day before yesterday I got into an argument with my mom over the cars and I yelled without even thinking about what I was saying "You should have never moved me to this stupid ass place where I hate my life I fucking HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT!" Now, that's no way to speak to your mother and I probably should feel more guilty about it but It was true. There were do many signs that I wasn't happy. I really must has never liked living here. It should have been obvious. I was always a really really hyper kid and after moving here that changed. I got angrier and quieter and I did drugs a lot more often then I had in NY. I had no patience and when I would try to voice any thing I felt my mom would tell me she doesn't care. I haven't said a word to her after that argument although she's yelled stuff to me since then. I've just been thinking about a lot of things to be honest I even thought of killing myself I imagined what I would write to them, how I would do it and what my families reactions would be, don't worry though I imagine lots of things I didn't REALLY want to die If I did I would be dead not writing a journal entry about the changes I plan on making in my life. I did however come to the conclusion that I didn't want to live the way I was living and most of all I needed to stop trying to take the easy road by appeasing my mother and grandfather. I love them both very much and I don't want to disappoint them but they let me down too. That watch me force myself for the last three years with theirs mouths shut because I was doing what they wanted.
If I can quote on of my favorite bands A7X " I know it's hurting you, but It's Killing me." When It comes down to it me deciding to quit college It's going to hurt them a lot but at this point me staying and forcing myself to is killing me from the inside out.
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