My Year, Why?

It's hard to even think about everything I've gone through in just over a year. If it hadn't completely embedded my mind with the memories, I probably wouldn't believe it all. I honestly don't know how I've made it through everything that's happened. I don't want people to feel bad, I'm simply talking about it because I honestly don't think I can keep it in anymore, or I'll do something horrible again. Thankfully I'm still standing, and I can still smile, even though the pain inside can be excruciating, I can still find it in me to be happy. Which shocks people who know about my past year, even just parts of it...

The smallest, least damaging thing would be the amount of friends I've lost. No matter if it was my choice, or simply because I honestly just couldn't deal with their "I want to die" "I'm going to slit myself" etc etc everyday, I left. Sometimes they left too. I don't regret losing them, and most of them came back, or I went back into their life because they needed someone. No matter the stories, I lost a lost of friends.

On top of that, I found out that my great auntie June has liver cancer. If that wasn't bad enough, it had already developed and was spreading, yet she stayed in denial. She was in denial until my Nana literally forced her to go to the hospital about the beginning of December. It was at about that time that we all found out that it had been left for too long, and they could no longer give her a new liver. They didn't think she would live past Christmas, but as far as I know, she's still living. Not by a lot, but she is.

If her having cancer wasn't bad enough, my father's father died the day before Christmas of last year. All I can remember is sitting there at my aunts table the night after Christmas, having a beautiful dinner, and we get a phone call. It was a horrible thing to have happen. I shouldn't have been so upset about it, seeing as I really didn't know him. He was never around for my family, I'd only seen him twice.

Not only did I lose that grandfather, I lost my other one just a few months ago, to lung cancer. I think that one will always be a sore spot for my family, because after some things went down when I was very young, we completely cut them out of our lives. I thought I hated him, hell, when I found out he had cancer, the first word to slip past my lips was "good." because I didn't see any reason a horrible man like that should have been blessed with the life he had... I regret it now, because I love him, and I'll have to know for the rest of my life, that I wanted him to die.

Along with that, I lost my uncle Lionel, he died suddenly of a heart attack. He was a great guy, really funny, child at heart. Whenever we went to visit him and my auntie NeeNee, they would joke around so much. They loved my brother and I, especially uncle Lionel. He always was my favorite uncle, even to this day, even if he is dead. I never even got to say goodbye to him. I hadn't seen him for about a year before it happened...

To add to the list, my Auntie Gayle has been going threw hell for the past year. She's been really sick, going back and forth from the hospital. It's insane how many problems she's gone through... and now they're testing her for cancer! I can't lose her, she's always been there for me, she's always loved me. So many summers were spent down there, and she was always the peacemaker. I can't live without her...

One of my friends also died this year. She was fourteen. She died of an asthma attack. No one should die from something so preventable to stop. I miss her.

And finally, just today, I found out my auntie NeeNee has interstitial lung disease. It's fatal. Best case scenario is that she can get a lung transplant, worst is that she has a year. It sucks because she's post-something and therefore, they may be forced to turn her away from a transplant.

So that's my year in summary. Other small things happened, but nothing as large as any of those things.